You have to hand it to the marketing team over at Pornhub, they definitely know how to be innovative. When I first saw their video for their newest mobile game BangFit, I thought it was a joke.
Recently PornHub has been making news fairly regularly for things such as their wonderful April Fool’s joke replacing all their actors with vegetables and renaming their titular title to CornHub. This was then followed up by their decision to join in on the virtual reality craze by dedicating an entire portion of their site specifically for utilizing virtual reality consoles such as the Oculus Rift.
Their newest endeavor is not a joke however, and PornHub has actually followed through on developing an app that tracks your um….movements…and measures out how many points you’ve burned by successfully keeping up with the Miami Vice-esque synthetic drums and electronic keyboard.
The game also tries to be accessible. They keyword here being tries as, it only allows for players who fit the demographics of a solo male or female or a “two player” mode that only seems to fit M/F partners; sorry F/F and M/M couples. If you have a couple friends there’s also a three player option, but once again, only supports a M/F/F role. The game however DID only get released, maybe we’ll see more in future releases.
In an effort to actually review this as one would any other mobile game, I decided to give this a try. There is no app to download, you simply visit their mobile site and enter a code on your PC once you’ve connected via home network. After that you pick how many “players” will be involved, a video plays with the aforementioned jaunty tune. What follows is a rather silly workout themed adult video with a beat system that would make Parappa the Rappa blush. As you beat along, your phone tracks your movements and records your points. Here’s how I did – not well.
First off, I wasn’t using the product as intended. I was merely shaking my phone as I tried to keep up with what I personally thought was a rather offbeat tap system. Why even have music if it doesn’t follow the rhythm you’re supposed to hit? I’ve played enough Elite Beat Agents to know how this is supposed to work.
Secondly, I had to do this twice, since my tablet got disconnected twice from the WiFi that was practically one foot away from my computer. Every workout course runs about ten minutes, and their definitely NSFW graph details how many calories you can expect to burn. Spoiler: Not a lot.
Third, my hand got tired from shaking my Samsung Galaxy up and down around the third “sexercise”, so I just gave up and let it finish by itself while I went and got some Doritos. This isn’t a case study in my sex life, don’t judge me. I already have BangFit telling me I’m a geriatric at 29, I don’t need that from my reader base as well.
Finally, I couldn’t use the recommended BangFit Band because they’re already sold out. I can’t even tell you how much they cost, since there is no price on their website. Does anyone own one of these? What did it run you? Also I notice it has a headphones slot. Nice addition, PornHub!
In the end I’m not sure my experience was really what they had intended, so I can’t quite say I’m the electric dynamo they told me I was as I sat here bouncing my arm up and down like an idiot to 80s synth-rock and the adult equivalent of “follow the bouncing balls”. What I can say is that the experience as a game is not quite there yet, even aside from my blundering about.
In this day and age you’d think PornHub would have opted for more inclusivity for their player base for their game. Girls just wanna have fun too, after all. Also, dropping connection “mid-workout” is definitely going unnoticed were I to be using the product as advertised, which would discourage me from playing the game at all. Finally I’m not sure how much of a turn on having a phone smack against you would be, but if the Internet has taught me one thing, it’s that every niche has a calling.
Also I don’t know who SRK is but i’m going to bet one of his arms is swole.
The Skinny
PROS:
- A unique idea and a first for a company who dares to try something new.
- The score board is just hilarious.
- As a matter of fact, the entire concept is ridiculous to the point of actually having a chance to work and see some development.
Cons:
- It blows my mind that they didn’t include same-sex couples.
- Poor connection issues.
- Why are the “taps” off beat to the music and the action on screen? At least get one of those right!
