So, I know I’m going to receive a lot of flack for this scathing review of Half-Life 3. I really wanted to like the game, but I couldn’t. I have been a fan of the series ever since Doom first came out on the Atari NES. It’s because of this sticky nostalgic coating that I am going to rip apart Quarter Life 3 for being the crime-against-humanity that it is.
Characters
In Half-Life 2: Return of the Jedi, we were introduced to Alexander Graham Vance. She served as the love interest of the protagonist, Gorgon Freeman. Now, the problem starts with these two characters: they don’t have romance options.
Ever since Bioware set the standard with its erotic RPG Star Wars: Knights of the Round Table, every gamer expects a good game to come with the ability to screw any of the characters that aren’t ugly. Yet, when I press the P (for peepee) button as Huey Freeman, I don’t get rewarded with sexels (my made up word for sex-pixels. You heard it hear first, folks #original.)
I will say, though, that I wasn’t disappointed I couldn’t frisk it all the way with Alexander the Great, but I was triggered by the fact that I wasn’t able to make out with Dog. As a post-otherkin robosexual, I find this highly offensive.
He could fetch my bone any day.
Plot
So, if you’ve been following Shelf Life since the get go, you know that the game is about Mack Daddy Mesa Employee of the Month Shepherd Freeman and his trials and tribulations trying to save a post apocalyptic world from the evil known only as G-dawg (Spoiler: we end up finding out the G doesn’t stand for anything.)
In Disney-Pixar’s Half-Life 3, we get to see the unexciting, obvious conclusion to this trilogy unfold. The worst part is that the actions you did in the previous game have no effect and no matter which ending you choose: Gordon Spaceman never talks.
What if Half-Life was a girl?
The best part of this story is finding out where the Convent come from. You end up finding out that they’re your daughter sent back in time to prevent you from becoming the Sherminator in the 2015 remake of the Turner Movie Classic “American Pie.”
Speaking of baked goods and jokes even your mother knows, Champ, the female protagonist from Portable, makes a special guest cameo. She takes the role of the premium hat saleswoman. This brings me to my next point…
DLC
Valve plans on releasing Dave Chappelle’s Half Baked 3 without including any day 1 premium DLC. This makes me so angry. Not only do they expect us consumers to pay only $50 for a game we can play offline, but they expect us to do it without being able to unlock skills and content already in the game for outrageous prices? Gabe Nobel, you are worse than Adolf Hitler.
Gameplay
Let’s face it: in this video game industry, fun is a buzzword. Playing through Half Fortress 3, it’s apparent that the team put much more effort into the gameplay than they did anything else. I play games for compelling stories about bald-headed men with a lot of dreamy muscles and women with ridiculous breast jiggle physics. I don’t play them to have fun.
In Half-Life 3: Link’s Awakening, instead of getting air strikes, water strikes, three strikes and you’re out, you’re forced to play through the game with only a measly pistol, shotgun, some sort of machine gun, a gravity gun, and a portal gun. Not only that, but it’s so unrealistic because you can carry more than two guns, unlike in Bioware Infinite.
There were puzzles in this game that I couldn’t solve. Unfortunately, since it’s not released (and hopefully it stays unreleased forever like Duke Knuckles Bass Fishing,) I could not look up how to beat it on Gamefaqs; because of this, I didn’t get passed the tutorial. Don’t you wish games had the option to skip gameplay and cinematics just so you can get to the credits?
Conclusion
I Ran Out of Somewhat Humorous Names 3: Some Subtitle Here has so many problems with it. It’s like they actually tried to make a fun game instead of something I can name drop for hardcore nerd cred at parties with friends.
For that reason, I give Steam’s Half-Life 3 a 0 out of 1,000,000 Dwarf stars.
