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For the Love of God - Don't Click (A Cookie Clicker PSA)

Good god, the NOISE. Can Cookie Clicker please not be the new Candy Crush?

by

It started innocently enough.

Earlier today, someone reviewed a game called Cookie Clicker. We see all sorts of reviews come through GameSkinny, so that was not unusual. But the Skinny was somewhat odd:

"What are your grandmas up to? Mine are baking 72,000 cookies a second."

Hungry and filled with curious nostalgia, I clicked.

I'd say I'm sorry I did, except that reading this review was the only thing that prepared me for the bizarre behavior that has swept our office.

I kid you not, in the 5 hours since one of our editors sat down to revise that review, the office has been filled with the sound of mouse clicks. Our president has downloaded the game, along with figuring out how to cheat at Cookie Clicker and is now regularly walking back from his office to see if Katy is beating him playing the game manually while she's working.

This might become even worse than the Candy Crush epidemic of early 2013

See that? That's Cookie Clicker's trend line as compared to Candy Crush. If that keeps up, it will crush the candy coated behemoth that has been turning people into smartphone tapping zombies and have us all riddled with carpal tunnel within 6 months.

What the sweet hell is going on here, people?

"There isn't really a clear point to Cookie Clicker. As best I can tell, there's no end game either." So why is everyone playing it then?

As far as I can determine from a safe distance, all you do in this game is click some freaking cookie. A lot. Noisily (unless you're cheating.) Even the initial reviewer admitted that the draw of the game was somewhat confusing.

So why is everyone playing it then? When I asked my boss after his last update (1.5 million cookies per second, apparently) he launched into a debate about recycling and imaginary numbers, and I'm not prepared to draw conclusions from that conversation as it relates to imaginary cookies.

We can stop this. But we must act soon.

Before millions of man hours of productivity are lost. Before we're all in physical therapy and buying wrist braces for repetitive stress injuries. Just close the browser window and back away. Go browse Reddit. Go post a cute cat video to YouTube. Go play GTA V for all I care. Just find something better to do than clicking the cookie.

And if you must, cheat. It's quieter for the rest of us.

Originally Published Sep. 27th 2013

Editor in Chief

Editor in Chief at GameSkinny. I am the Gray Fox. Questions, comments, feedback? Bring it. Amy.White (at) GameSkinny.com

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Comments
  • 60
    Mat Westhorpe 1 year ago
    Featured Columnist
    I may have been very, very wrong about the Grandmas. Seems they're on the turn.

    Maybe there IS an end game...
  • 60
    Amy White 1 year ago
    Editor in Chief
    This was a terrible way to start the day. *sigh*
  • 35
    Stephen Johnston 1 year ago
    Columnist
    Terribly Tasty?
  • 60
    GabrielKross 1 year ago
    Featured Columnist
    tastily terrible?
  • 60
    Mat Westhorpe 1 year ago
    Featured Columnist
    Thanks Amy, you've ruined my life. ;)
  • 60
    Amy White 1 year ago
    Editor in Chief
    No Mat... Not you too. Didn't you read the title???
  • 60
    Mat Westhorpe 1 year ago
    Featured Columnist
    I did, but I'm both curious and contrary.

    Also, Grandmas are rubbish, I've got 25 Time Machines and 10 Antimatter Condensers.

    ALL UR COOKIES R BELONG 2 US
    Last edited 1 year ago
  • 35
    Stephen Johnston 1 year ago
    Columnist
    I am currently at 189.21 million cPS (cookies per second). I've also begun shutting down other programs to allow for the memory consumption of 117 grandmas. Maybe I need one of those dedicated machines like they build for Bitcoins...

    You cannot stop the cookie clicker. The numbers are getting bigger, the only way to win is to start NOW or to not stop until everyone ELSE DOES!!!
    Last edited 1 year ago
  • 60
    GabrielKross 1 year ago
    Featured Columnist
    I win because I've never clicked, the real competition is to be the last one not clicking!
  • 35
    Stephen Johnston 1 year ago
    Columnist
    sorry, basic universal competition laws apply. You can't win if you don't play.
  • 35
    Stephen Johnston 1 year ago
    Columnist
    1.62 Billion cookies per second... and I've extracted most of the entertainment value from this free game.
  • 12
    EdibleKnife 1 year ago
    Correspondent
    Got to the Anitmatter Cookie Whatever upgrade in about 9 hours and pretty much stopped after that. Waste 'O time for real.
  • 60
    GabrielKross 1 year ago
    Featured Columnist
    Sooo quick someone install Cookie Clicker on Amy's computer. Amy must click the cookie! (disclaimer: I have actually never even seen this game, though I have heard of it.)
  • 60
    Amy White 1 year ago
    Editor in Chief
    I came dangerously close to playing. Out of sheer curiosity I clicked the link in the initial review and the site was down at the time. THANK GOD.I was spared the scourge.

    Seriously guys, it's not worth it. Don't click the baked goods.
  • 48
    Miranda Kirk (ChizeloffdaBlock) 1 year ago
    Senior Intern
    Hilarious!

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