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For the Love of God - Don't Click (A Cookie Clicker PSA)

Good god, the NOISE. Can Cookie Clicker please not be the new Candy Crush?

It started innocently enough.

Earlier today, someone reviewed a game called Cookie Clicker. We see all sorts of reviews come through GameSkinny, so that was not unusual. But the Skinny was somewhat odd:

"What are your grandmas up to? Mine are baking 72,000 cookies a second."

Hungry and filled with curious nostalgia, I clicked.

I'd say I'm sorry I did, except that reading this review was the only thing that prepared me for the bizarre behavior that has swept our office.

I kid you not, in the 5 hours since one of our editors sat down to revise that review, the office has been filled with the sound of mouse clicks. Our president has downloaded the game, along with figuring out how to cheat at Cookie Clicker and is now regularly walking back from his office to see if Katy is beating him playing the game manually while she's working.

This might become even worse than the Candy Crush epidemic of early 2013

See that? That's Cookie Clicker's trend line as compared to Candy Crush. If that keeps up, it will crush the candy coated behemoth that has been turning people into smartphone tapping zombies and have us all riddled with carpal tunnel within 6 months.

What the sweet hell is going on here, people?

"There isn't really a clear point to Cookie Clicker. As best I can tell, there's no end game either." So why is everyone playing it then?

As far as I can determine from a safe distance, all you do in this game is click some freaking cookie. A lot. Noisily (unless you're cheating.) Even the initial reviewer admitted that the draw of the game was somewhat confusing.

So why is everyone playing it then? When I asked my boss after his last update (1.5 million cookies per second, apparently) he launched into a debate about recycling and imaginary numbers, and I'm not prepared to draw conclusions from that conversation as it relates to imaginary cookies.

We can stop this. But we must act soon.

Before millions of man hours of productivity are lost. Before we're all in physical therapy and buying wrist braces for repetitive stress injuries. Just close the browser window and back away. Go browse Reddit. Go post a cute cat video to YouTube. Go play GTA V for all I care. Just find something better to do than clicking the cookie.

And if you must, cheat. It's quieter for the rest of us.

Published Sep. 27th 2013
View Comments 15
Related
Platforms DesktopPC
Games Cookie Clicker
Genres Free to Play
Tags why god why