It finally happened!
Today, the world was shocked to hear that publisher Electronic Arts will be reviving every last one of their old franchises today in a last ditch effort to not be the most evil and cutthroat company in the industry. Whether it’s Ultima Online, Command & Conquer, or the old Wing Commander and Populous titles, it’s all coming back!
Ex-EA-CEO, John ricotta-cheese-and-pepperoni-pizza, said this was his last move before leaving the company officially and was quoted saying, “Yes, this is all true. No, I’m not lying. And no, psychic slugs aren’t controlling my brain. HISS! Get that salt away from me!”
“The salt! It BURRRRRRRNNNSSSES US!”
But that’s not all!
The next step, once the development and release of these games are complete, is to take all proceeds and donate to charities across the world! Not happy to bring the dead back to life, EA wants to keep people living, sending the money they make to breast cancer research, homeless shelters and orphanages! “We really want to get the message across that we aren’t evil slugs bent on World Domi- I mean, a really bad company. We want people to be happy, not to live in fear of the Great Salt Uprising.”, says Peter Moore.
And last, but assuredly, not least
When all is said and done, EA plans to take their own company apart, piece by piece. Not content with doing a mere two great acts of good, Electronic Arts will be dispersing what’s left of the company revenue amongst its employees. Words have been spoken of funding smaller and more tightly focused develops arising from the ashes, as well as beach condos for all workers, including the janitors!
Truly this is a good day, and one I’ve been waiting for quite some time to have happen. And now that it has I don’t know what to do! I guess I’ll just relax, drink some tea, and celebrate our great country of the USA returning to British Rule. Cheerio!
When asked to comment about his thought’s on the actions of EA, Mr. Kojima spoke only two words, with tears in his eyes.
“It’s alright.”
