“Erin,” I hear you asking. “You said you were going to tell me how to choose a guild so I could find a husband. So tell me already.”
Yeah, OK. First of all, maybe try to come across just a little less eager. The whole find me a husband thing, it’s a little 1800’s, don’t you think? According to Google, the phrase “find me a husband” is entered as a search over 5,000,000 times a month in the US alone. It’s a bit over the top.
(By the way, throw the word “good” in there, as in “find me a good husband,” and Google just coughs politely and says phrase not found. Let’s try to be a bit more discerning and a bit less desperate as an entire gender, OK? I’m just saying.)
But I like you, despite the whole aura of quiet desperation thing, so I’m going to help you out. Here’s how to avoid a few key pitfalls when choosing a guild as a base for gamer dating.
- Guilds that advertise to the general population that they are “recruiting all players for fun and leveling” are out. These guilds are full of children. Not just teenagers either. Actual children. Enough said.
- Guilds that advertise for pure PvP are also out. These guilds are populated almost exclusively by teenagers and college students who live to spew forth curses like they’re going out of style and pummel the living hell out of each other.
Even if you are, yourself, a college student and would not rule out another college student as a potential life mate, you don’t want to look for a husband in a PvP guild. These guys are NOT ready to change diapers and wipe snotty noses and drive mini-vans. These guys are fierce warriors, paragons of masculine independence, total champion bad-asses out to defeat all comers and claim their fame and fortune in the dog-eat-dog world of… well, in a video game. Even if you could somehow talk them into it, is this who you want raising your children? Really? I don’t think so.
3. Guilds that have phrases in the recruiting ads like “must not suck” or “no noobs please” or “must be able to gtfo of fire” are not the best places to start either. These tend to be more intense raiding guilds, the sole purpose of which is to progress faster through raid content than any of their competitor guilds, each of which is basically a clone of that guild but with a different name.
People who belong to these guilds are uber-competitive in the world of gaming. They MUST have that next piece of gear. They MUST get that next boss down. They have no time for petty biological undertakings like relationships or sleep. They exist on Hot Pockets and Red Bull and the dream of being the best in the world at whatever video game has taken over their existence and is quietly chipping away at their soul.
Apart from the soul-siphoning thing, guilds like this will yell at you. A lot. You’re not looking for a high-strung, yelling sort of husband, are you? No? Good. I can see you’re starting to understand what I’m saying about being more discerning.
OK, so here’s what you DO look for.
1. You want a guild whose membership is almost exclusively at the maximum level supported by the current version of the game. This will rule out most of the guilds whose management is under the age of fifteen.
2. You want a guild that does more than just raid. Maybe they dabble in PvP or have achievement runs from outdated content on the weekends. Basically you’re looking for a “well-rounded” guild. Single-minded guilds attract single-minded people. Well-rounded guilds attract well-rounded people. Enough said.
3. You want a guild that has a few parents in it. Why? Because parents have real life priorities that are more important than video games, and they attract single people who also have other priorities. Things like, I don’t know, WORK… GROCERY SHOPPING… CAR MAINTENANCE… HOME REPAIRS… The kind of things that make a man into a good real life husband and father.
Unless of course you’d like to marry a virtual man and have cartoon children and a nice NPC dog. If you do, then have at it. It’s a free virtual world.
(Well technically it’s a $14.99-a-month world. But the virtual dog and kids are free. I’m just saying.)
Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS / FreeDigitalPhotos.net