Ultimate Super Duper TERRIBLE GAME Turbo Arcade Edition HD Remix Game of the Year Edition

It was the worst game in the world.

It was the worst game in the world.

Skinny Banter #1: Your Ultimate Game

If you could take your favorite game elements of all time and combine them into the ultimate digital experience – the one game to rule them all – what would it be? How would it work? Describe your digital nirvana, build your ultimate game from the still twitching parts salvaged from other titles.

In lieu of the recent gaming travesty that is the SimCity release, I decided I’d take this Banter in a different direction. I had an extremely hard time coming up with what my ultimate game would be. However, I had a much easier time thinking of what would be the worst game ever.

This game takes the worst parts of the worst games released by the worst companies. For those of you who are weak of heart, stomach, or kidney, I suggest you read no further.

First, you take a big dose of the storyline from Dragon Age 2. While DA2 wasn’t exactly the worst game in the world, it was a huge step back from its predecessor in almost every conceivable way. This is especially true of its disjointed story.

Second, you take the gameplay and leveling from a good game, like Diablo II, and you water it down so that it’s only a shadow of its original complexity, like Diablo III. I enjoyed D3 to an extent, but most would agree that, in comparison to D2, it failed to leave an impact.

Third, you make the game online only, but have more players than you have server space ala SimCity. This way, you have the defense of “you can’t bash the game if you’ve never played it” when your fans start sending in complaints about how your company messed up. You’re technically right, even if they did buy the game.

Lastly, you need to be as greedy as possible with it. You need to release at least 300 pieces of DLC on day 1. Release “10 minute DLC passes” for true dedicated fans. Then, taking a bit of direction from Capcom, you release the game three million different times.

In the grim darkness of the future of gaming, there is only war. The world has been drawn into nation states based off of the greediest video game companies. However, there is and will never be peace until only one game company survives.

You are a fan boy/girl. It is your job to ensure that all negative forum remarks and customer complaints will be met only with a refund of life.

Choose from two distinct classes.*

– The Blizzdrone. Play the role of a beefy Blizzard fan. You get access to the neckbeard of +2 frost resistance and can control an army of foreign gold farmers to do your bidding for less than $1 a day.

– The Biodrone. You are a Bioware fan. You get access to an obscenely large libido which grows whenever you fantasize about your favorite character and avatar getting it on with each other. You are also immune to all logic based attacks.

*Both classes will be premium DLC.

Face off against deadly enemies!

The forum moderator. If you disagree with him, he will permanently ban you from your own home.

The twitter representative. He will blame you for Mega Man Legends 3’s failed release until you cry to death.

ORIGIN. The endgame boss. Not much is known about this rogue piece of malware, but it knows everything about you due to its deadly scanning power.

Of course, in order to play this game, you will have to sit through thirty minutes of company logos at the start, as well as commercials that pause your game until they are viewed.

Coming May 2013.

(P.S., I actually love Blizzard. Please don’t be mad at me, Mr. Metzen.)

About the author

Joseph Rowe

World traveling English teacher, writer, and aspiring front-end developer.