5 Video Game Characters and Their Sucky Lives

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So as the days go by and I lament living such a boring, normal life, I think of what it would be like to live in a video game world. To adventure every day through forests and mountains, to traverse the unknown, and see the entire world. I dream of saving a beautiful princess, a nation, or even the entire planet. I imagine being a hero and having thousands of fans adore me and tell me how important I am.

Then I think of characters who get none of that and how much that would blow. I think of all the video game characters whose lives are utter rubbish -- whose lives have sucked. And I think, "What if that'd be me?" 

So to make us all feel better about our mundane existences, let's take a look at a few characters whose lives just aren't all that good. 

Note: There will probably be spoilers ... 

Lee Everett

The Walking Dead Telltale Series

So imagine this: you’re on your way to prison for killing the man who your wife was sleeping around with. Pretty rough, huh? Now pretend the cop driving flips the car, breaks your leg, and throws you headfirst into a world overrun by flesh eating zombies.

You with me so far? Okay, here we go.

So, that happens. Then you meet this little girl named Clementine and suddenly, you know you must protect her. So you meet other survivors and form a group, which then meets other groups. It grows then shrinks because a lot of people die. And nearly all of those death are because on your actions.

Save this guy or save the girl? Have a key comrade stand watch or come with you? Chop off this guy's leg, which stuck in a bear trap, or just leave him to be devoured? It’s your call -- and lives will depend on it.

This is the life of Lee Everett. Throw in getting bitten by a walker then losing his hand to it, and you’ve got a meager existence full of pain, suffering, and no video games. I shudder to even think about it.

Villager

Animal Crossing

An unusual choice? Yes. Fitting? Most certainly.

Let’s break it down.

In Animal Crossing, you play as a human child who awakes in the back of a car driven by a weird duck/turtle-thing named Kapp’n. This creature is based off the Kappa, a Japanese mythical creature that kidnaps naughty children as punishment. Off to a pretty shaky start, right?

Then he? It? It (let's go with that) takes you to this town run by animals. Immediately, they put you to work to pay off the mountain of debt you now owe them due to the house they made you move into, which totally sucks by the way (just look it up, you'll see). And if you try to leave, the animals will stop you and explain how the other villagers expect things of you. Like it’s the common thing to do.

Forcing children to work for a group of animals within their secluded little town is the norm apparently. Eesh.

So just pay off the debt right?

Wrong. Every time you work your ass off long enough to do so, the animals go and upgrade that bad boy. Even if you tell them no. This way, you’re trapped under an ever-increasing pile of debt for something you didn’t want in the first place. You’re even forced to repeat the same menial tasks and minigames over and over once you’ve tried them all in order to progress through the different houses, which is about all the story you get.

Sounds like some freaky Twilight Zone junk ,am I right? Just hope they don’t start wishing people away to the cornfield.

The Hero’s Shade

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

At first glance, he looks like any average dead guy in armor. You know, normal stuff. But, it is widely speculated that he is the remnants of Link from Ocarina of Time or a manifestation of Link's regrets.

Hear me out.

First, there’s the fact that he appears as a wolf when in the physical world -- the same form Link takes when in the Twilight. Second, there’s also the fact that he knows all the skills you need to know become more powerful throughout your journey -- and he says the previous heroes had them.

Third, Navi (Link’s little blue fairy) leaves at the end of Ocarina of Time, and Link is searching for her in the beginning of Majora’s Mask, when he gets pulled into all that craziness. Combine that with the fact that no one knows Link was a hero and it becomes that much easier to believe he would live a life of regrets, unable to pass on the “lessons of his life to those who came after him”.

In Twilight Princess, you even play the Song of Healing to ease his troubles and cause him to pass on; similar to how the previous Link used it in Majora’s Mask

Isaac Clarke

Dead Space

Anyone who has ever played, watched, heard of, listened to, or even smelled a Dead Space game, just leave. You’re already done with this article. You know how horrible such an existence would be. I mean, seriously, either God has the most macabre sense of humor since the clown from the original Dead Rising, or Isaac was just dealt the worst possible hand in existence.

What was supposed to be a simple repair job becomes a horrifying mission to escape from the Ishimura with his life. His entire grasp on reality itself becomes shattered. He loses his girlfriend, his mind is infected by the Marker, and dementia loosens his grasp on reality. And that's not to mention the seemingly endless hordes of Necromorphs jumping out of every corner.

His run in with the undead didn’t end after one hellish adventure either. Oh no, that would be far too forgiving. He's done it three times. Just him against waves and waves of these terrifying creatures hell-bent on murdering him aboard frozen wasteland planets and abandoned ships.

He’s not even a soldier mind you, just an engineer who was supposed to fix some machines or whatever it is educated people do.

You know this game is rough. It has the jump scares that will make you scream and throw your controller, plus the eerie atmosphere to make you cringe, cry, and look over your shoulder. If it’s that scary playing with headphones in the dark, just try to imagine living it. Though I doubt any mere mortal could truly fathom such treacherous depths...

Kratos

God of War

Sure, sure, he’s ridiculously powerful, gets lots of ladies, and is so ripped he could make Hercules blush. But let’s look at the basic facts here:

  1. His family is dead.
  2. He killed them.
  3. He is permanently covered in their ashes.
  4. Everyone else wants him to eat it and die.

Basically, every single morning Kratos has to wake up, see the remains of his family staining his flesh, and right off the bat, begin his day thinking about the Godawful atrocities he committed. Then there’s the fact that those days seem to culminate in him fighting for survival against gods, demons, human armies, monsters, and Hell itself.

I mean, he has died twice already.

The guy has it pretty rough.

Next time you start to complain about work or traffic or only getting one packet of hot sauce with your tacos, just remember you haven’t been nearly disemboweled by your dead girlfriend aboard a deserted freighter crawling with undead monsters in space, chased by endless hordes of zombies, or covered in the ashes of your dead family -- who you killed.

Your life could be worse. A lot, lot worse. 

Published Apr. 8th 2017

Contributor

Aspiring author and video game enthusiast just waiting to become rich and famous and loved by everyone.


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