While grilling up your 10% beef hot dogs with a side of greasy Freedom Fries this 4th of July, why on earth would you try to save a place like Sera or Reach from invasion? Don't you know there's a gob of games out there that let you keep America safe and beautiful while kicking some star-spangled ass?
Ditch those alien frontiers or European battlefronts and go for the gold. With these 11 games you can repel Nazi invaders in alternate timelines, build a wall to keep out the foreigners, play only the most patriotic of pinball machines, achieve the American Dream, and even become President!
Turning Point: Fall Of Liberty
Although certainly not without flaws (for some reason your aim is better if you AREN'T using the iron sights), this perennially underrated FPS is actually a pretty good time, and it does have a unique setting and premise.
In this shooter, America actually fell to Nazi invasion (making it a perfect accompaniment to Amazon's The Man In The High Castle series), and you as a simple construction worker in the '50s get drafted into rebelling against the German invaders.
More than just trying to reclaim your homeland, the story shifts to preventing the Nazis from finishing the atomic bomb before anyone else does, radically changing history forever.
Great Wall Of America
Make America great again by building a yuuuuuge wall (a beautiful wall, the best wall) out of the heads of your political rivals! You don't want to be berated for having small hands, do you? Better build that wall even higher then.
Best of all, it's completely free on mobile devices, since they made Mexico pay for it.
Pick it up here, and don't forget – if a blond woman beats your high score, you are duty bound to tweet that blood must be coming out of her “wherever” when you throw your losing temper tantrum. Anybody else desperately ready for November to be over already?
It's not just Android developers getting in on the Trump action lately either, as even the latest Pokemon to be revealed is clearly inspired by his iconic hair cut!
A legitimately awesome game even independent of the story and themes, Bioshock Infinite also has its fair share of social commentary on the past and present state of America.
The people of the floating city of Colombia absolutely adore John Wilkes Boothe, and they have more than a little in common with a certain wing of American politics... so much so that a tea party group in Florida once made headlines by un-ironically using the above image as their Facebook banner.
The fact that “It is our holy duty to guard against the foreign hordes” and a very clear focus on white purity didn't tip them off the negative nature of the image is mind-bogglingly hilarious.
No matter where you fall on the political spectrum though, Bioshock Infinite offers an amazing FPS experience (maybe the best the Xbox 360 had to offer?) that is way outside the norm and has a mind-bending story to keep you intrigued from beginning to end.
Remember those extremely outlandish pro-America cartoons you can watch while flipping through the television channels on the later Grand Theft Auto games? Developer Free Lives turned them into a side scrolling, platforming shooter, and we can't thank them enough!
When the world is in trouble, the over-powered Broforce is called in to annihilate evil, bro style. Just how patriotic is this game? The top Steam review simply reads “Bought this game as a European. Now I'm an American.”
For the true patriot who already has a flag draped across his wall and never goes out unless he's sporting some stars and stripes duds, there's the game-changing Patrotic Pinball.
It's exactly like regular pinball, just, you know, with more patriotism. It even has a whole whopping TWO different levels to play: “America on Duty” and “Roadtrip Coast To Coast.”
Grand Theft Auto IV
What's more patriotic than a down-on-his-luck immigrant coming to Liberty City by boat and achieving the American Dream?
He works his way up from nearly homeless drifter to driver at a cab company and then breaks out as an entrepreneur trying his hand at many diverse and lucrative businesses.
Best of all? Nico Bellic is very second amendment friendly. GTA IV is as American as apple pie, and just as kid-friendly.
Christian Founders 3D Computer Game
This amazing little title – which lets you know its in 3D straight in the title! - is (sort of) a platformer where you run around a mansion covered in full-wall size portraits of various American history personalities.
While traveling through this bizarre fun house of horror, be sure to grab all the flag collectibles and and read all those tiny commentary text boxes. Personally, I'm convinced this is satire and making fun of exactly the sort of person who would un-ironically buy this, but others aren't so sure.
What clinches it for me (other than the hilarious graphics) are the notoriously inaccurate quotes used to teach the lessons, like perpetuating the myth that George Washington said “It is impossible to rightly govern the world without God and the Bible.” Despite the fact that such a phrase never actually appeared in his farewell address, the urban legend lives on anyway.
Assassin's Creed III
In the never-ending Assassin's Creed series, Ubisoft went a very unexpected route in entry #3, allowing you to be part of the founding of America itself, but as an assassin of course.
The glorious American revolution can't succeed without your stealth take downs, so sharpen up those tomahawks and get on birthing the greatest nation in the world already.
Both the Revolution and later Civil War period of history are rife for gaming, and that really begs the question: when are we going to get an Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter video game adaptation?
Saints Row IV
Not only do you become President of the grand old U. S. of A. (by totally legitimate and not at all ludicrous means), but you also get to avenge the country's death at the hands of annihilating aliens. Eat your heart you Bill Pullman!
Rather than seeing the new Independence Day flick no one asked for, just play Saints Row IV instead. It's not often you get to be a nude Matrix-style savior while beating gang members and aliens to death with a big floppy dildo – and after all, isn't that what America is really all about?
Everything Duke Nukem
What better exemplifies America than lowest common denominator misogyny and a love for all big guns and bigger jugs? Duke couldn't be any more American if he shat bald eagles!
Sure, these games are awful and several of them are essentially unplayable, but America does things the hard way damn it, and you should too.
Homefront: The Revolution
A re-imagining of the occupied America presented in the previous game, second title The Revolution switches to an open world style as you run a guerrilla resistance against the Korean invaders.
While sadly the game had a bit of a bumpy start and still suffers from some frame rate issues, if you like open world games along the lines of Far Cry 3/4, you should make a point of checking this one out.
Modifying guns on the fly or building makeshift explosives out in the field is a cool twist, and there's some iconic characters to meet in this dark dystopian future.
If you aren't bleeding red, white, and blue after playing these 11 ultra-patriotic games, then you need to go drop a couple of hundred dollars on unnecessary fireworks and try again.
What's your favorite pro-America game, and how many of the titles we mentioned have you managed to beat? Let us know what other 4th Of July-friendly games we should be dusting off this summer in the comments below.