Flustered and Frustrated: The Flappy Bird Experience

I hated Flappy Bird.

There, I said it.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about the game and why I found it so confoundingly maddening. All you have to do is wander towards Twitter, and you are sure to find out exactly why it’s so maddening:

Thoughts why’ll playing flappy bird • I didn’t even hit the pole • this birds fat • this game sucks • Im awesome • I suck • I hate this game

— mads (@madie_king) January 23, 2014 

— Danny Cripps (@danny_cripps) February 5, 2014

Why can’t you just fly like normal birds #flappybird 🐦🐤

— Monika Ozdoba ❥ (@monikaozdoba) February 5, 2014

Flappy bird is like the new angry birds. Only this time I’m the angry one.

— Flappy Bird Problems (@FIappyBirdProb) February 5, 2014

THIS FLAPPY BIRD GAME SUCKS. I HATE U.

— Dylan Cheek (@dylancheek) February 5, 2014

Are you starting to see the problem? 

Hilarious tweets aside, I gave the game a try myself. I lasted a whole 30 minutes the first time around, and I feel rather proud of myself. That’s not to say that 29 of those minutes weren’t spent turning as red as Mario’s hat. Okay, maybe 29 minutes and 50 seconds. 

From the moment I opened up the game, I was actually more intrigued than put off. The game has a serious Mario-esque feel to it; it uses Mario pipes as “walls” that you are supposed to avoid, but typically just end up smashing into face-first. Nothing like a face full of wall to make the sun look brighter in the morning. 

But the game tricks you–at first, you feel like you’re going to get to play this also Mario-esque flying game. That is, until the first time the game tells you to “tap to start.” A more accurate opening would be “Prepare for infinite rage and the desire to see your mobile smash on the ground into approximately 54354532 pieces.”

There are so many great memes I could have used throughout this post, but they are so loaded with words I promised my mother I would never say that they just aren’t appropriate. In fact, I’m 31, and I’m pretty sure I learned a few new curse words while researching this post. 

 There’s not much to the game itself. You tap the screen, Flappy Bird, uh, flaps. That’s about it. Dodge the pipes. Rage. Die. Try again. Achieve a 10 and feel like you’re going somewhere, then try again and score 9 and die. Rage, Rinse Repeat. 

The problem is that the game’s physics are actually pretty realistic; the flapping approximates a similar response that real-life flapping would produce–a slight lift, with gravity suddenly making itself very known afterward. Thus you end up nose diving into the ground or crashing into a pipe. As seen in the picture off to the right of this text. 

But Wait….Why Am I Still Playing?

The absolute worst part of this frustrating, flustering game is that I’m still playing it two days later. So help me, I can’t stop. 

It’s addictive! It’s just maddening enough to make me want to keep going because I will not let this stupid little yellow bird ruin my day.

Damn you, little yellow bird! Damn you!