I am a huge fan of Coheed and Cambria. For those who have never heard of them, they are a prog rock band that exclusively records concept albums chronicling the story of Claudio Kilgannon, the savior of the galaxy (also known as the Crowing in this universe), and his parents Coheed and Cambria. In addition to their albums, the band has also released several comics that follow the adventures of the Kilgannon family, and there have even been rumors that Mark Wahlberg will produce a movie based on the story. With all this going on it’s no surprise that a game was released earlier this year set in the same universe. It’s called The Amory Wars: Fall of the Keywork and it is absolute garbage.
The Amory Wars: Fall of the Keywork is a fighting game for iOS where you play as various characters from the Coheed and Cambria saga. Actually “play” isn’t the right word. You really just watch as two stiff character models flail at each other until one of their health bars isn’t full any more. It’s practically impossible to control your fighter and even if you do get them to do anything there is a very slim chance they’ll actually hit the person they’re supposed to be fighting since none of the characters have any range to their attacks. This is how the game plays when it isn’t crashing, but that happens so often that it’s practically not worth trying.
The game looks awful too. The backgrounds and character selection icons were drawn by artists from Evil Ink Comics and are actually well done, but the character models themselves are horrendous. They took those same wonderful drawings and converted them to 3D and the end result looks like something out of nightmares. It’s very jarring and tends to distract from the fight you are supposed to be having.
The game has two single player options: single match and story mode. Single match is your standard fight where you pick two characters and let them duke it out; story mode is just and arcade mode with a different title. You pick a fighter and then fight random opponents. There’s no story element to it. No text dialogue or screens between fights explaining why you’re going to hash it out with your next opponent. It’s just a pointless series of brawls. This is disappointing because the band has seven albums worth of material to draw upon. It could have been an actually good story mode if anyone had thought to put any effort into it. There is a multiplayer mode where you can fight other people who have the game but it just straight up doesn’t work ever. I have never once been able to play against another human being.
I think the biggest missed opportunity is that the game doesn’t use any of the band’s music. I don’t understand how there couldn’t possibly be any Coheed and Cambria music in a Coheed and Cambria video game, but there isn’t and it makes me weep on the inside.
I’m actually glad I purchased Fall of the Keywork. It is so atrocious that it makes me feel better about myself when I play it. It reminds me that no matter how tough life may seem sometimes, it will never be as bad as this horrible piece of crap game. I actually do give it a recommendation if you suffer from depression. You’ll feel better in no time.
I’m giving The Amory Wars: Fall of the Keywork two stars out of ten. It only deserves one but I’m such a huge fan of the band that I can’t help but give it an extra pity star. I hope they try making another game at some point in the future because it’ll either be somewhat good or it’ll be just as terrible as this one and I’ll find that hilarious. Either way, I’ll be happy.
