I’m poor, I like cheap food. So when I decided to write an article on putting Pokémon heads on to pictures of food, I decided to stick with what I know. Sure, I’ve been not-poor at some point in my life. I’ve had a number of delicacies and traveled the world, but those times are gone. I’m almost 30 now and all that comes to mind is poor people food and I’m just going to have to deal with that.
Jesus, this is almost depressing.
Some Pokémon just look more delicious than others. I can’t explain that. I can’t tell you why one food looks tastier than another, just like I can’t explain why some Pokémon just look so stupid tasty. It’s like asking why the wind blows or how to make a decent pecan pie: I know there’s an answer but I’ll be damned if I care what it is.
Part of being poor is eating things you don’t like and would rather avoid eating altogether. Unfortunately, when comes down to the line and you have to make a choice between gas to get to work and a reasonable meal, you have to opt for the gas. You have to opt for the gas and hate it because if you have to eat one more stupid hot dog you’re going to break into your neighbor’s house and empty their fridge.
7. Pokemon-flavored Ramen
Tell me another Pokémon better suited to replace chicken in instant noodles. See, you can’t. I couldn’t think of any either besides Farfetch’d.
But could you really eat him?
Pidgeot is a very healthy and active-looking bird, and according to my sources (myself) that means it’s delicious and nutritious. The legs are a little short, but Pidgeot’s ample meat breasts are more than enough to make up for that. This would be assuming that there is any meat in the sodium and MSG bastard packets that come with instant noodles anyway. These things are 90% sodium, 9.7% noodles, and 0.3% flavoring.
I really hate these cheap ramen brands myself, but sometimes you have to bite the bullet and eat what you can. That said, I prefer shrimp flavored bottom-tier ramen if I have to eat it. They don’t taste like shrimp either.
But this just isn’t as funny.
6. Bar S Stantler and Wobbuffet hot dogs
If you’ve ever seen Bar S “franks” for sale at the grocery store, there is no way they were on sale for more than a $1 a pack. These are perhaps the worst of the worst hot dogs, made with all real mechanically separated animal body parts. What a delicious value!
Frankly there is no taste to relate these pieces of trash-tier wieners to, which is why I believe these three Pokémon would make the best ingredients should they somehow become real, farmed, and put into terrible food. The franks would have to be made entirely out of Wobbuffet’s rubber body, Stantler’s confusing ass lump, and Garbodor’s body made of pure garbage. These Pokémon do not look tasty, but they fit the Bar S bill just fine.
I used to use tiny pieces of these things as treats for my dogs, and not even they liked them. Let that sink in for a minute. My dogs, who lick their own butts for entertainment, would not eat Bar S franks.
5. Macaroni and Miltank cheese
Macaroni and cheese is like the poor person’s rice–it can be paired with most other non-starch foods and the taste is often strong enough to drown out the nasty aftertaste of whatever else you’re eating with it. (See: Bar S franks.)
The example picture is of Kraft, which isn’t too bad in itself, but generic brands you find on store shelves sometimes completely do away with the notion of even trying to taste like cheese. To say these would have even a smidgen of actual milk would be going miles too far for these brands. I can only imagine that in this imaginary world where Pokémon are eaten, these generics would also not include Miltank milk.
I guess it’s hard not to wonder if Miltank’s milk tastes similar to regular cows’ milk, or maybe it’s a bit sweeter. As long as it doesn’t taste like it looks (bubblegum), it is all right with me.
4. Banquet Chicken Fried Mandibuzz TV dinners
I hate singling out brands, but Banquet-brand TV dinners are the cheapest on the market for a reason. The chicken fried chicken or steak varieties in particular are terrible, with the chicken nugget meals coming in a close third.
I know it says the type of meat inside these meals on the front and on the ingredients list, but I swear sometimes it’s ‘mystery meat’. Chicken just does not taste that way. Have you had their nuggets? They are awful.
There are a lot of bird Pokemon, but Mandibuzz has an ample amount of meat and is the one bird Pokémon I don’t think anyone would ever want see at the dinner table during mealtime. No one wants to eat a vulture, but in the back of my mind I just know Banquet meals are made with animals we don’t want to eat. I just know it.
