When women have nowhere else to turn to find a decent man in their lives, they go for someone they always know will be there: fictional characters. Though it's easy to fangirl over book characters (all I need to say is "Mr. Darcy" and swoons are heard across the world), where are the good video game men? Where are the scruffy gaming guys, the nice dudes, the sexy?
Right here. This list. Top ten. Let's go.
And with the popularity of del Toro's The Shape of Water spreading through the hearts of women everywhere, I probably shouldn't have to worry about putting someone like Bowser or Specter Knight on the list -- but, for the sake of all our dignities, I'll stick with the mostly human bachelors.
You can't take two steps into the Mass Effect fandom without seeing some Garrus/Shepard fanart. And with a face like that, who would blame someone for drawing what the fans want?
Some people can't understand why Garrus is so popular with the ladies, but, call us crazy, ladies like a guy who's nice. There's something undeniably adorable about a man who's awkward around a potential romantic conquest -- and not afraid to admit it.
Not to mention he's known as the "Space Batman," and everyone knows how successful Batman is with the ladies...
I'll never forget my first step into Goodneighbor. My lingering resentment still strong from the revelation that Nick Valentine's epic buildup resulted in a 50's-style old-man detective, I take a step into this new environment, ready for my next mission, and suddenly a ghoul is shooting a man trying to kill me and telling me he runs the place.
Needless to say, I fell in love immediately.
Like Garrus, Hancock is another man looking for his place in life, looking for a friend, and eternally grateful that the sole survivor accepts him for who he is.
You just have to overlook the massive addiction to drugs and violence. At least he's a nice guy, right? And he's a mayor.
What's a girl to do when they can't pick between an angel and a devil?
Part devil, part angel, Dante has been stealing the hearts of women everywhere with his intense gaze, his open shirt, and his overwhelming confidence, all combined with a bad-ass attitude and strong desire to kill demons. And let's not forgot all the awesome powers he has.
He's literally the full package of good and evil -- but mostly good.
All right, all right. I'll step back from the monstrous suitors by introducing one who kills monsters instead.
And what sort of list of sexiest video bachelors wouldn't include the original: Leon Scott Kennedy.
Talk about a lady killer. And a zombie killer. And an all-around killer in general.
This guy knows what he's doing, what needs to be done, and when to do it. And just like with Dante, women like a man with confidence.
With Leon's ever-constant presence in the Resident Evil games, he will have an ever-constant place in our hearts -- and lists about sexiest men.
You know what else makes a woman weak in the knees? A tragic back story (and the voice of Troy Baker).
Booker DeWitt is man with past mistakes and a never-ending guilt, leaving people with a desire to see him earn his retribution.
Maybe it's the fact that DeWitt has a personality (as opposed to the other BioShock protagonists); maybe it's because of his interactions with Elizabeth; maybe it's the clothes.
One things for sure, though: if you know how to handle a gun and you have a voice like Troy Baker, then you've got a place on this list (and in my heart).
Joel and Booker have a lot in common: a lost daughter, a surrogate daughter, and the voice of Troy Baker.
Setting aside his tragic backstory and road to retribution, Joel also has keen survival instincts and a commanding presence that cause people to turn to him when they need help.
Even though he's kind of an ass, his heart has the capacity to love, and as soon as he does, people don't want him to stop loving. Everyone is rooting for Joel; everyone loves Joel; and everyone is a sucker for a gruff, bearded man in flannel.
I know that, technically, John Marston is married and wouldn't be considered a bachelor, but that's not going to stop me from adding him to this list of "Gruff, bearded men with dark hair and guns who are considered sexy by at least one writer."
There are only a few times I've seen a character supposedly considered an "expert" at guns actually live up to their reputation. And darned if Marston doesn't live up to his. I actually believe that he could hit a target with both eyes closed, and that belief has got me all twitterpated.
Who cares if he's not technically a bachelor? If you want to get really technical, then nobody gets to love John Marston because he's dead.
I thought it would be funny if I added Professor Sycamore to this list, and I was right. I'm cackling as I prepare to write about the merits of this professor, all the while lamenting that people expected to see the shirtless wonder of Kuikui here, even though he's married and I can't bend the rules for him like I did for Marston (who's dead).
Most everyone's love for Sycamore seems to be purely material: he's got a cute face, luscious hair, and a popped collar. What could be more sexy? (I hate that I just used the word "sexy" in relation to a Pokemon character.)
Alas, people's love for Sycamore knows no bounds. Here's a Buzzfeed article professing love for this lovable professor -- and I honestly can't tell if it's a satire or not.
All right, let's step back from the older gentlemen now (I refuse to use the word you're all expecting me to say).
Let's showcase my boy Mike Munroe, who's kind of a dick, kind of funny, and a whole lotta douche. Half of the people who play this game hate him, and the other half hate themselves for liking him.
But there's something to say about a guy who chops off his own fingers with a machete just so he doesn't lose the machete -- because anyone who balls that hard in a survival game deserves a place on this list.
One of my favorite tropes is when a renowned player, an exuberant party-goer, a rich son of a bitch, has a fall from grace and learns what it's like to live on the other side. The movie Overboard? Sign me tf up.
Jason Brody goes through this transformation, but instead of learning to sympathize with peasants, he turns into a stone-cold killer. And honestly, he is the main man in my heart. I don't know why everyone talks about Vaas when Brody is the real crazy one.
He goes from not knowing how to sympathize with another human being to sympathizing with other human beings and being a badass survivalist at the same time. He hunts tigers, fights pirates, burns fields of marijuana, all while saving everyone's lives.
Like, damn, Jason Brody. Hardcore.
So there you go. 10 different dudes with 10 different ways to steal my heart, whether that happens by being ruggedly handsome or by knowing their way around a weapon (wink).
But this is but one girl's opinion. Maybe this list only reveals the dark recesses of my soul and shouldn't be taken seriously. Maybe you're thinking, "Well, she's got a type."
Maybe you should tell me who you think the most eligible bachelor of all eligible bachelors is.
(And remember -- The Shape of Water is popular right now ....)