Editor’s note: This is satire piece born of a good cup of coffee and a deep appreciation for The Onion.
After celebrating its 26th birthday with friends and a few drinks after work, Final Fantasy called it an early night. The genre-defining game series needed to get home and wrap up packing for this weekend, when it will leave the third story walk-up it has rented with friends with since launch and move into its first apartment.
“It’s been fun, but it was time, you know? I’ve changed a lot over the years. And frankly, though I can get along in groups, at heart I’m really more of a single-player game. I need alone time to function.”
Roommates Castlevania and Metal Gear agreed.
“Don’t get me wrong,” Castlevania said, “it’s been great watching Final Fantasy change and grow up over the years. Heck, we have all changed a lot, you can barely recognize us compared to where we started. But some of the people they have over are just strange, and I’m kind of over it. Fighter is always starting shit, Thief has stolen the remote control for the TV on several occasions, and White Mage gets all upset when we throw big parties. There’s really no winning with that group. FF likes ’em though, so whatever.”
Metal Gear nodded in agreement but was too busy assembling cardboard boxes to comment.
This important moment of independence wasn’t always assured for the top grossing game series. Early on, parents Hironobu Sakaguchi and Square were at odds on whether Final Fantasy would ever amount to much, even choosing a name specifically to indicate that the now iconic game would be the last thing they ever did together.
Asked how it feels to see Final Fantasy mature into one of the longest running and best-selling video game franchises of all time and reach this important milestone, Sakaguchi said:
“Joke’s on Square, eh? Square thought FF would just be the nail in our coffin, and instead that little game made us stronger than ever. It’s become the center of our world.”
Final Fantasy seems undisturbed by its rocky start.
“Things were rough at the start, but it was all I knew. These days I kind of wish they’d find something else to focus on though… Maybe take up Words With Friends or something? I mean, I appreciate everything they’ve done for me over the years, but I want some time to do my own thing, and I feel like I keep having to impress them every few years to keep them happy.”
If you’re available this weekend and have a truck, Final Fantasy is still looking for help moving. There will be beer and pizza after everything is brought to FF’s new place, a 6th story one bedroom. Wear sneakers, the elevator is out of order.
