Gaming is fun make-believe, sometimes it feels a little too real, and it impacts upon our real life.
More than once I have had to remind the other half that he is not playing Need for Speed, when in control of our actual car, and to slow the F down!
However, some things make no sense at all when compared with real life, so enjoy the list, and remember: if it was real life, it would be awesome.
1) The amount of stuff you can carry
You have x bag slots, and seen as you cannot see the bag on your character you assume it must be invisible, right? But it must be huge, how else would you fit 22 stacks of cloth inside, or a small arsenal.
Need a pickaxe, or a blunderbuss, or even a load of murloc fins, don’t worry they all fit in my invisible and apparently weightless bag. Otherwise you’d have a small trailer behind you with all the general crap you’ve picked up.
On that note, where are the 120+ mounts I know being kept, or one of the hundreds of pets? Even if there was a Pokeball system of storage that would need at the very least a suitcase with wheels to transport them all as well as an amazing catalogue system.
2) How those random boars you killed are carrying cash
So, you’ve just killed a load of Boars, or Murlocs, or Wolves, yay right! Besides committing genocide of small woodland creatures you’ve filled your invisible weightless bags with lots of lovely things, and a load of trash.
But woah! Wait there a minute; you’ve managed to make some money? Why exactly was that Boar carrying the money, but more worryingly where did he get it from?
Is there some kind of Animal Farm situation where they have a totalitarian society, with money?
Or maybe he looted it from other Woodland creatures he himself killed. Ah this is too stressful, why would they keep it, to but shiny things with? Or truffles?
3) Completely Bass Ackwards Rewards
In Forza Horizon you receive 1% discount for each of the 100 signs scattered throughout the world you destroy. Despite the fact you get rewarded for destroying the man’s means of advertising, how the hell does he know how many you’ve knocked down?
And why haven’t any of the other 249 participants hit any?
You don’t stop and take a picture, or take a piece of the sign. Does he have cameras attached?
How come every time I drive through a McDonalds sign I don’t get a free Cheeseburger?
Dak has no concept of how to punish people who are damaging his advertising.
4) Wait… You got more than one life? Are you a cat?
So you’ve just been shot to death by cops: in game you spawn at a hospital minus your money; IRL you’re taking a one way trip to dirt-ville.
For that matter, if you get arrested you’re not looking forward to jail time, probation, or even Community Service; instead the Police confiscate your weapons! Oh noes! What will you do? Kill more prostitutes? Excellent.
5) Recovery Times
A minute ago you were hovering on 10% health, now after hiding behind a wall again for a little while you’re perfectly fine.
Hell, you’re in better health than you were before starting that shootout. All without the need for a trip to a Doctor, an A&E Unit, or even a Psychiatrist to treat your PTSD or serious mental issues following being shot at. Wahoo!
And while we’re on the subject…
6) Immortal Clothes
If someone shot me (and I knew I couldn’t die) the first thing I would be worrying about would be my clothes. After all, if you’re not going to die you’re unlikely to be spending a lot of money on health insurance or medication – no, all your money is going to replacing those clothes that are destroyed thanks to bloodstains, bullet holes, and various other damage sustained in your day-to-day life.
However, in most games your gear appears fine. So either you are wearing multiple layers that are all identical, or your clothes can’t die either. Even in games like Warcraft where you experience durability damage the aesthetic appeal of the garment is unchanged.
7) Round 2, fight!
You’ve just been against Ken or Ryu or M. Bison, you’ve had your ass kicked, been knocked out. Yet a few seconds later you’re apparently recovered enough to go in for round two.
Maybe Street Fighter and similar games have taken the wise approach not to show the months of physical therapy and rehabilitation, but in real life after a beat-down such as that you’d at least need a cup of tea and a bandage or two.
But oh no, you’re good to go again. Fight on!
8) Zombie Bites Are Totally Treatable
We’ve all seen the films, from Shaun of the Dead to Evil Dead and we know one thing for sure: if you get bitten by a Zombie, you’re a goner. You’re turning into one of them. Even popular shows such as The Walking Dead show that *spoiler alert* if you die of non-zombie related reasons, you’re turning into one anyway.
You’re infected. But the Zombie genre game would have us believe that when you’re dead that’s fine, respawn and you’re good to try again. You don’t need to worry about eating your loved ones, or your friends, you’ll be fine in a few seconds, yay!
Be warned, if Zombies attack in real life you’ll not be finding me; I’ll be holed up at a non-disclosed location with my dad, his chainsaws, and a stockpile of food. (Guns aren’t easy to get a hold of here in the UK after all.)
9) A little hurt? Oh never mind, eat this cake, you’ll be fine!
My biggest gripe in games vs. real life is the fact that while cake does make you feel better, it’s not going to cure that pesky arrow wound you sustained (must… NOT…. TO THE KNEE!!!!!! I tried not to, honest I did) or the tedious gunshot to the head.
How about someone gets me a hacksaw, some kittens, and some chocolate fudge cake! No? Okay.
10) Female “Armor”
This, ladies, is what armor should look like….
Need Armor? Excellent, we have just the thing! But the be-all and end-all of game vs. real life annoyances is the way games often portray women.
My Blood Elf Paladin looks like she just fell out of a sex-shop, and it isn’t just WoW that incorporates the stereotype that if you’re female, the only part of you armor should cover is your nipples.
If I walked round a supermarket or a shopping centre wearing what many of my game chacters do I would be arrested for indecent exposure.. again. (Joking! Maybe. But really. Joke.)
Granted, if it was me I wouldn’t want my nipples to get hurt, but they wouldn’t be the top of the list. Maybe, my head, or my lungs or other organs…. So, someone explain to me please how these things are supposed to work – and yes I realize if they were too realistic you might as well abandon the games altogether and leave the house.
Or maybe it’s all magic.