Last Week On Game(Skinny) of Thrones… [spoilers below]
We predicted that nobody would die! And nobody did! Hooray. Don’t pay attention to the fact that we also predicted that Arya would complete her mission for the Many-Faced God, becoming a true assassin for the House of Black and White, or the fact that we predicted Jaime would rescue Margaery from the High Sparrow.
What we’re saying is, we’re aware our track record isn’t good. Let’s change that this week. According to the summary of this Sunday’s episode, we can expect a confrontation between Bran and the White Walkers, as well as one between The Waif and Arya, as Arya makes a plan to escape Braavos alive.
ROUND 1: BRAN STARK vs. THE NIGHT KING (Dream Match, Last Man Standing)
One thing is clear so far this season: Bran is running out of time. He needs to learn to control his powers or risk being killed (or worse) by The Night King and his army. Their next confrontation will likely come in the same place their last one did– in one of Bran’s visions.
Well, as a bonus, he can at least walk there. Plus, he kind of looks like Keanu Reeves.
The Night King will begin by marking Bran once again, this time on his face. Though Bran may escape, The Night King will always know where he is now. The upshot for Bran, however, is now he has nothing to lose. He is already fully marked, so touching The Night King (or for that matter, suplexing or hurricanrana-ing him) is not as dangerous anymore.
So he does both, in quick succession.
Then, for good measure, he follows up with a devastating neckbreaker, aiming to slow The Night King’s assault.
Now, in this battle, The Night King is not attempting to kill Bran. He has more nefarious plans for him. By the same token, Bran does not have any dragonglass, so killing The Night King is out of the question. Both combatants are simply aiming to injure their opponent to the point where they can no longer stand.
With this in mind, it makes sense that Bran is going all-out, following the neckbreaker with a flying kick to the back of The Night King’s spiky skull. At the same time, who can blame him for putting his non-paralyzed-dream-legs to good use?
It’s about this time that The Night King realizes he must treat Bran as a serious threat. Recovering from Bran’s flurry of blows, The Night King rises, delivering a flying kick that I’m honestly surprised I was able to get a decent screenshot of.
Bran is stunned, and The Night King is able to set him up for his signature move, The Fall Of The Wall, focusing on Bran’s spine.
Lifting the dazed Stark to his feet once more, The Night King attempts to take matters into his own hands, attempting to crush Bran’s windpipe and force him to submit to the nefarious will of the White Walkers.
Bran is simply too agile, however, and he is able to reverse the hold, suplexing The Night King in the process.
With one last gasp of strength, The Night King once again attempts to choke Bran Stark out as they both attempt to struggle to their feet.
Bran escapes once again, however, and is able to catch The Night King off guard. Using his powerful dream-legs to catapult over The Night King, he uses his body as a lever to flip his opponent over and deliver a crushing slam with all the force of a fall from a tower window where you saw something you really, really weren’t supposed to see — like maybe a brother and sister engaging in sexual relations. Something like that.
The Night King is unable to stand after this, and Bran is able to escape. Awoken from his vision by his friends, he is able, once again, to stay just one step ahead of the Wights. This time, however, Bran has learned. He has become more powerful in his vision, and is beginning to be able to control his new abilities. It is the next step on his journey.
As the scene transitions from Bran and company to another part of Westeros, the camera will linger on Bran’s face, who is clearly very disappointed that in the real world, his injury means that he will never be able to climb a turnbuckle or perform a hurricanrana. A single tear will drip down his face as the group proceeds on their way.
ROUND 2: ARYA STARK vs. THE WAIF (Extreme Rules)
Last week’s episode featured an ominous conversation between Jaqen H’Ghar and The Waif that ended with The Waif exiting The House of Black and White on a mission to kill Arya for failing to complete her mission. Will Arya be able to plan her escape from Braavos before The Waif completes her own mission?
Not if Arya Stark has anything to say about it. As the fight begins, Arya methodically begins taking advantage of The Waif’s weaknesses, wrenching her arms in technical holds and nearly choking her out in the corner of the ring before a strange man in a striped shirt forces her to stop.
Arya has learned much from her previous fights with The Waif, and in this, their presumed final battle, she knows better than to allow The Waif to struggle back to her feet.
Arya stomps the blonde out of The Waif, then hoists her over her head, slamming her down against Braavos’s famous elastic ropes that are pretty much strung along every road and square in the city. If you haven’t heard of them, read the books. They’re important, and they totally exist.
By the time Arya gets to The Waif to continue her attack, however, The Waif has recovered, and is lying in wait. Struggling to her feet, The Waif is able to use her superior size and strength to toss Arya Stark around at will, despite her injuries.
And if things weren’t looking bad enough for Arya, The Waif soon finds a legendary, powerful weapon that has been passed down through generations of Bravosi warriors.
A big ol’ sledgehammer.
It’s at this point that Arya must go for broke. She retreats to find her trusty sword Needle in an effort to run The Waif through once and for all, and earn true freedom.
Seeing The Waif’s back turned, Arya runs at The Waif to end things once and for all, but The Waif is ready for her. She unleashes the forbidden technique of The House of Black and White, the Many-Faced Slam.
The Waif makes good on her promise to Jaqen H’Ghar and kills Arya Stark instantly with the slam. She then brings Arya’s body back to The House of Black and White, triumphant in her victory.
As the episode ends, we are treated to an extended shot of Jaqen H’Ghar cutting Arya’s face off. It should be… pleasant. Or something like that.
Stay tuned next week where we will once again use WWE 2K16 to predict with complete accuracy what will happen during episode 8 of Game of Thrones! Traditionally, this is the episode where shit hits the fan, so be sure to tune in for our simulations.