Spoilers below! If you’re not caught up on Game of Thrones yet, I dunno, read this post about how people are using dance pads to beat Dark Souls or something. Turn back, lest ye be spoiled forever.
Last Week On Game(Skinny) of Thrones…
We got everything right! Arya killed the hell out of The Waif (finally), and Jaime took Riverrun from The Blackfish. 2 for 2! Except for the part where we said The Blackfish would live. But let’s gloss over that for now.
This week is going to be a doozy. The rivalry between Jon Snow and Ramsay Bolton will come to a head here at the Battle of the Bastards, with the winner taking home the title of King of the North.
We have the players. We have the scenario. We have the belt. Let’s find out who comes out on top.
BATTLE OF THE BASTARDS: JON SNOW vs. RAMSAY BOLTON (TITLE MATCH)
Jon Snow and Ramsay Bolton lock eyes across the blood-spattered battlefield where so many of their comrades had already lost their lives. In their eyes burns determination, hope, and hatred. As the bell rings and the battle begins, Jon Snow uses his size advantage to hoist Bolton above his head and absolutely destroy his ‘nads, bringing them down on his knee.
Perhaps this is too-late revenge for Theon, or perhaps Jon Snow is simply in full-on beast mode, but he will not be stopped. Unleashing a flurry of stomps directly aimed at Bolton’s ribs, Snow continues his assault.
Bolton is a tactician, however. He waits for his moment, steeling himself against Snow’s powerful blows until he can find an opening. And when he does, he takes advantage. He is able to land the Sadist’s Suplex and swing the battle his way for the first time.
Unfortunately for Jon Snow, Bolton is able to convert the suplex into a Man Breaker, showing that he is focusing most of his attention on landing repeated blows to Jon Snow’s torso and back.
Stunned by this sudden onslaught, Jon Snow is unable to defend himself, and quickly finds himself at the whims of a calculating Ramsay Bolton.
Taking advantage, Bolton tries to score big by employing his finishing move, the Flayed Man.
The Flayed Man is a devastating submission hold, and though Bolton tries with all his might to end this match early and force Snow to surrender, Snow will have none of it.
After another swift knee in the ‘nads, Snow throws Bolton from the arena to the cracked dry earth below, betting that he will be able to regain some semblance of momentum there.
After landing a few blows outside the ring, Snow brings the fight back to the arena and launches his assault in earnest. It begins with his finishing move, The Fall of the Wall, crushing Bolton’s skull against the cold, hard, definitely-not-padded-at-all ground below.
Full of rage, he moves directly into a naked choke, cutting off both Ramsay Bolton’s escape route and his flow of oxygen. Dazed, Bolton cannot prevent Jon Snow from dragging him across the ring in preparation for a move he learned from the great Wildling warrior Ric Flair– The Sharpshooter.
After Snow causes this immeasurable pain to Bolton’s legs, it’s clear that not only can Bolton not take the punishment he is well known for doling out, but that he is also running on fumes. Snow, realizing this, goes for the pin.
Bolton is able to gather up enough strength to break the pin and keep the battle going, but Snow is fully re-energized. Howling with a trademark Stark vigor, he goes for it all.
Bolton is able to use Snow’s momentum against him, throwing him into the air and positioning his legs so that when Snow falls, he’ll be landing right on Bolton’s knees.
Snow, stunned and in pain, staggers to his feet, but Bolton is ready, employing a devastating sleeper hold, cutting off the flow of oxygen to Jon Snow’s brain.
Bolton then immediately goes for the pin.
Here’s where things get weird.
Snow is able to muster up enough strength to grab the ropes of the arena, a universal sign that the battle is not yet over. The referee officiating the war, however, does not see the rope break.
He counts the win for Ramsay Bolton, who is finally able to take the title of King of the North.
What’s important to note here that despite Bolton’s victory, he did not really and truly defeat Jon Snow.
Although the Battle of the Bastards may be won by Bolton, the war is not yet over. According to our simulations, we’ll have to wait a little bit longer to see the true denouement of this epic, long-running rivalry.
Who do you think will win #BastardBowl2k16? Let us know in the comments or tweet at us @GameSkinny! We’ll be back next week with predictions for the season finale. Don’t miss it!