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Malice in the Palace

A real life story told through the eyes of a D&D master.
This article is over 11 years old and may contain outdated information

Once upon a time in a far away land called Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, there lived three rogues of mediocre STR, at best, but somewhat talented in the DEX department yet,incredibly low INT & WIS. CHA however was their greatest failing. They did have huge CON though, and could withstand the accidental strike of a 2X 4 to the back of the head very well. Two of them were brothers and their names were Moishe Harry Horowitz, and Jerome Lester Horowitz. Their friend’s was named Louis Feinberg. They generally went by the names Moe, Larry & Curly. 

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There was an economic depression happening throughout the world of Orien, & Brooklyn was hit very hard by it. Being unemployed they journeyed with many adventures to a magical place they’d heard of in legend called Hollywood, California. During this journey they had many skirmishes & received many wounds, mostly inflicted upon each other. These included bops on the top of the head, boinks to the stomach, kicks in the behind, & more than a few simple slaps in the face. Curly perfected a way of bouncing an enemy off his somewhat stout but soft belly. Perhaps they’d have been better off as monks, but being Jewish & it just didn’t fit. Besides, their ki was just a joke. 

Another innovative feat developed by Moe was the Double Finger Poke to the eyes, capable of temporarily (About 2 to 4 secs) blinding his opponent, but mostly just making him feel enough pain to shout out “Ooh!” in a high pitched squeal. Unfortunately, it never became useful against actual enemies and was generally inflicted solely on Larry & Curly. 

Larry & Curly put their heads together “Bop” and added the pair’s INT together to total an 8. They were able, despite die roll penalties, to devise a effective defense against the Double Finger Eye Poke: a simple knife edge block by the hand upon the bridge of the nose, thus preventing the Double Finger Eye Poke from making contact & nullifying it’s effect. Moe, who had the highest INT of the three ( a whopping 6 ) found a way to get through this defense by using two index fingers of each hand to strike at both eyes, followed by the high pitched shriek of “Ooh!” from the victim ( usually Curly ). 

Along the way of their journey west, they were charged by a group of minions to the lord of a manor (They were his investment consultants: Dewey, Cheatum, & Howe) to construct an extension to his palace. The work was going well, for the first five minutes anyway, when Larry, carrying a broom on his shoulder suddenly realized he forgot his dustpan & turned around to retrieve it, bonking Moe in the back of the head. 

Moe slapped Larry four times in quick succession. Right cheek, left, right again, then left again. Upon Larry’s protest Moe then inflicted a Double Finger Eye Poke & finally pushed Larry backwards into a work bench full of tools scattering them all over the floor & making Moe lose his footing. Moe slid forward onto a weak portion of the second story floor boards, fell through it, creating a gaping hole in the floor & landed on an open crate full of nails. He was not pleased. “Now look what you done!” he reprimanded Larry. But the worst was yet to come. 

A while later Curly was welding two pieces of pipe together with a strangely shaped wand of fire called a blow torch, when Moe called him over to help him hammer some nails into a 2 X 4. “Hey pudding head! Put down that blow torch and give me a hand.” Curly set down his blow torch on the wooden stairs & heeded Moe’s summons. Moe gave Curly a hammer, set a nail to the 2 x 4 and commanded, “Now when I nod my head, you hit it.” Curly gave Moe a look of confusion at what appeared to him to be a very strange request. Moe continued, “And no baby whacks either! Slam it!” 

Moe nodded his head. Curly shrugged his shoulders & struck Moe very hard on the top of his head with a echoing clang. The ensuing melee was typical of the trio, but came to an abrupt halt when the stairs caught fire, spreading rapidly to engulf the entire manor. The three ran as far away as they could as fast as they could. Somewhere in the distance a band was playing a jazzed up version of “Three Blind Mice.” Curly was stammering, “Woo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo!” the whole way. 

Well, they did finally make their way to Hollywood, met some little twerp Halfling named Twurp who was advertising “We’re looking for more than a few good, bad, mediocre men, women & androgynous.” They signed up, thinking it was the Screen Actor’s Guild, moved to a high crime area of Los Angeles called Stormreach, and the rest is history.

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