Welcome to part two of our look into how sad the world is, and how much sadder it would be if Pokémon were real. Check out part one if you haven’t done so yet.
What we have here are a few foodstuffs poor people (such as myself) must resort to and what those would be made of if Pokémon roamed the Earth. Are you alien to this whole being poor thing? Can you afford a combo meal at a fast food place? Well you’re a lot better off than I am, buddy. Enjoy that, because you don’t have to resort to Bar S wieners and Banquet TV dinners to survive.
Sometimes I wish I lost my sense of smell so I couldn’t taste anything fully ever again.
These last three entries are slightly more expensive than those seen in the first part of the list and are definite splurge items. Like, say your paycheck was $30 more than usual so you decided to treat yourself. Sort of.
3. ‘Krab’ meat
Imitation crab meat, sometimes refered to as ‘krab meat’, has its uses. But those uses in American cuisine are mostly limited to seafood salad. There are plenty of uses for it in several Southeast Asian dishes, but getting krab meat as an American to eat in American food is, uh, pretty sad.
How would you feel if presented with a delicious dish made of ‘Kingler’, only to find it was made of Whiscash? The smell and taste are nothing like Kingler, but dammit it’s better than mystery meat. At least krab meat tells you the type of fish it’s made of, if you really consider that to be a plus.
I will admit I eat this stuff on its own as a snack, but it’s always Chinese brands. The ones found in American grocery stores are bland enough they could be made of paper with fish extract. There’s a world of difference, but the stigma of willingly eating this stuff remains the same.
2. Value meal burgers
I’m not going to lie: I haven’t been able to even afford one of these jokers for the past few months. Life is hard; and when it’s really drilling you, luxuries like fast food burgers are way out of your reach.
Tauros was the obvious Pokémon for hamburgers, but Bouffalant is a perfectly acceptable substitute when opting for a more affordable but similar tasting meat. I’m not saying all fast food joints would serve Bouffalant instead of Tauros, but 99% of them would and you know it.
Like many other Pokémon, Bouffalant’s design is sort of redundant. Did we really need another bull Pokémon? No. Did it need to have an afro? No. So wipe them out for ground meat, they’re not doing anyone any good anyway. Plus I’m sure they taste great.
1. Lettuce for salad
Hoppip and Oddish are the two best Pokémon to use for salad, mostly because they are benign and look sort of like radishes with eyes and feet anyway. There are many grass Pokémon, but there are not many that just look like they’re meant to be eaten.
Now, I am fully aware that salads aren’t exactly poor people food but they are a nice luxury for the financially challenged from time to time. Even so, salad mixes are not exactly the most financially viable option. I just didn’t want to pop a head of lettuce up here and call it a day.
Besides, come on. Just look at that package. Would you really not eat that? This may be a bit higher on the “poor people food scale” in terms of price, but if this were a thing I’d make room for it my budget. Times two. Just look at those happy faces! A delicacy for the poor, no doubt.
Pokémon images from Bulbapedia.
Chicken Top Ramen – howaboutwe.com
Shrimp Top Ramen – tjonlinestore.com
Kraft Mac and Cheese – meijer.com
Banquet TV dinner – loudmousedotcom.wordpress.com
Wendy’s promo – grubgrade.com
Lettuce mix – freshplaza.com
Imitation crab meat – searayfoods.com
Bar S hot dogs – mikeoliveri.com