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The Legend of the Epic Mount

Some stories must be retold... over and over again.
This article is over 11 years old and may contain outdated information

Gather ye ’round and I’ll regale you with a tale that is nigh unbelievable.

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I feel honor-bound to include a disclaimer for the younger readers out there.  If your parents are going to yell at you for reading what follows, don’t say you weren’t warned.  I’ll keep it “SFW,” but we are, in fact, going to talk about the horizontal bop, the wango tango, the hunka chunka, and making the beast with two backs. (That last one is Shakespeare’s fault.  The others are from Ted Nugent or “Tango and Cash”.  I’m just the messenger here!)

So in honor of Valentine’s Day and all you suckers out there who spent hundreds of dollars on dinner, jewelry,  flowers, and all that Hallmark-induced frippery, just think about what you could have done if you had stayed home and played WoW instead.

Merely Haggling

There is a story attributed to Winston Churchill, but others credit George Bernard Shaw, about an encounter with a young socialite.

A story tells of Churchill asking an unnamed socialite to sleep with him for five hundred pounds. The socialite allegedly answered “Well, I don’t know Mr. Churchill,” causing Churchill to change the price to fifty, to which the socialite indignantly demanded “What sort of woman do you take me for?” and Churchill retorted “Madam, I think we have already established that, now we are merely haggling over the price.”

Now in the 1930’s, 50 British pounds translates to about 825 pounds today.  Converted to dollars, we’re talking about $77.50 dollars in 1935 becoming a little over $1200 today.  I am not exactly current on the going rates for “escorts” these days, but I would think that $1200 bucks would buy some grade-A… service.

So what could you expect for 5000 gold in World of Warcraft?

Apparently, this…

According to an unnamed gold selling website, the going rate for 5,000 gold (at least on my server/faction) is around 10 bucks.

And, according to her follow-up post, she gave the lucky guy a “buy one, get one free” discount.

Am I condemning her for earning that gold on her back? (I mean, I assume she was on her back, she could have been on top, or on her knees, or…)  Heck no!  Apparently she had a lot more fun earning her mount than the rest of us did grinding gold in-game.

Time to Break it Down

On the other hand, because I enjoy it so much, I’m going to break down her original Craigslist ad because there is something deeper (hur hur) at work here.

Hello I need 5000 world of gold for my epic flying mount. In return you can mount me. 

The “…you can mount me” line is a bit obvious, but it’s one of those puns that had to be done.  Can’t really complain about that.

You have to have an account on the laughing skull server and I want the 5000 gold BEFORE we do anything, we can make the trade at your place since I can’t host. EDIT: Because I am having a lot of dumb guys message me who clearly don’t have the gold make SURE to send: a picture of yourself and a screenshot of your character with the 5000g, I will be checking armory profiles, thanks. 

I’m just saying, if you’re trading your “goods” for 10 bucks and are worried about getting ripped off…  Could you imagine how humiliating it would be to give it up for 10 bucks only to find out that you got conned?  Ouch.  Any guy willing to “shoplift the pootie” to save 10 bucks is the kind of cheap that would make Ebeneezer Scrooge blush in shame.

I play a level 70 night elf druid and would prefer someone who was into roleplaying (I have a costume!) but honestly anyone will do, as long as you have the gold. I would also be ok with a woman too, as long as you have the gold! Also not adverse to the idea of groupsanal. 

A Marketing Mastermind

This is conclusive proof that she was in this just to get laid and not for the gold or mount.  How, you say?  Easy.  She’s talking about roleplaying and costumes.  She’s down with a threesome.  She’s even willing to “Play the Back Nine.”

Beyond all of that?  

Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t Druids have flight form?  Why does she need a mount?

She could have just as easily taken out a Craigslist ad that said “I want to get my freak on with a gamer” and had a swarm of willing volunteers. (Although something has to be done about those bangs. I could rake my yard with those!)  But by taking this angle, she got way more publicity out of the deal, and turned herself into Internet Legend.

The fact that she managed to cage 5000 gold out of the deal is just a bonus.

Epic Mount Lady, I salute you!

(As an aside, on the off chance that you actually reads this, get in touch with me.  You’d make a perfect panelist at Dragon*Con.)

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Grimthorn F. Redbeard
Get off his lawn!