Uncle Grimmy’s Catch of the Day – Runescape

Uncle Grimmy openly mocks bad phishing emails purporting to come from MMO games.

I don’t like Spam.

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Seriously, I believe that unsolicited email marketers, and their cousins, the email scammer or phisher, have the very hottest part of Dante’s E-Z Bake waiting for them.  In a less civilized age, I would openly advocate their torture and murder.

I really don’t like Spam.

Since I can’t kill them, or legally ask anyone else to do it for me, I figured I would openly mock some of the worst entries in my spam filter, particularly those that have to do with MMO gaming.  

This week’s message comes from “[email protected]”, oh wait, no it doesn’t.  The header shows a return path address of “[email protected]”.  That’s the first indicator that this email is not legitimate.  Let’s look for more, shall we?

Dear Player,

Oops, no names used here.  That would be our second hint that this isn’t legit.

We have collected convincing evidence that you tried to trade your RuneScape account or sell your virtual items outside of the game environment.

Really?  What evidence would that be?  Most sites that sell accounts or gold/items don’t include account names or ID’s in the listing… also?  I don’t HAVE a RuneScape account.  Let’s move on.

Such real-world trading is destroying the economy of RuneScape and is in violation with our policies. Therefore any player that continues to engage in the illegal activity has no place in our community.

I want you guys to remember this part, since I do this for a living…  Violation of policy is not the same thing as “Illegal”.  It is a violation of policy, nothing more.  Also, if I’m selling my account anyway, why would I care about staying part of the community?  Continued “illegal” activity?  Once I’ve sold my account, how exactly would I continue to… sell my account?

All of your accounts are now on our watch-list and will be automatically monitored for real-world trading. Regardless of who you are or how long you’ve been with us, if you continue to real-world trade we will have no hesitation in: (1) permanently banning your account from our community in order to protect the game, and (2) naming you as a defendant in Jagex Limited vs you, which is a lawsuit based on antitrust law violations that is currently pending in the U.S. District Court for the Central District of California (Civ. Action No. SANC-V13-00342-CGH).

This is perfectly legitimate language up to “(2)”.  So let me get this straight.  You’re going to name me as a defendant in an already existing law suit which names me as a defendant.? They didn’t say “we’re going to sue you”, oh no.  They said that the suit is already filed and is pending in a US District Court.  Of course, to do that, they would have to name me as a defendant in the first place.  Then, of course, there is the completely ludicrous idea that Antitrust law has anything to do with a violation of an end user license agreement.

Do you want to guess what you will find if you do a Google search for “Civ. Action No. SANC-V13-00342-CGH?  I’ll give you a hint.  It involves the terms “Spam” and “Jagex”.

What I’m trying to say is that if you are even close to falling for this, you are too stupid to breed and should self-sterilize with a rusty chain saw.  However, if your resume consists of nothing but items such as “Stunt double in the movie Idiocracy” or “Studied Nuclear Physics at the University of Beavis and Butthead”, let’s go a little further.

If you decide to ignore this email and instead continue Real-World Trading, we (Jagex Ltd) reserve our rights to pursue statutory damages against you for between $200 to $2,500 per act of past, present, and/or future real-world trading in accordance with 19 U.S.C. 1307(c)(3).

Should I even mention that 19 U.S.C 1307 has to do with the importation of goods manufactured by convicts (forced labor)?  I thought this was an Antitrust matter. At least that’s what the email said earlier… Maybe ignoring this email changes which law I’m breaking or something.

In addition, we have temporarily changed your RuneScape account’s status.

Changed it to what? Existent?

Please fill in the following security form to monitor your account’s status or to appeal the infractions you have recieved:

I shouldn’t even have to tell you by now that the link text and the actual URL in the link are two entirely different beasts, right?  I mean, that’s the most obvious thing that spam filters check.

and finally…

Please note: Due to recent technical problems with our automated detection systems, some accounts have been unfairly punished. Most of the void infractions should have been removed. Please visit the appeal section to appeal any unjustified infractions received due to system errors.

So I need an account to log in to the “appeal section” to appeal infractions against an account that I don’t have.  Makes sense to me.

The tail end of the email contained contact information for Jagex’s offices in the UK. So… Why aren’t they suing me in the UK?  Am I breaking Antitrust law? or am I, by not playing RuneScape, somehow contributing to the importation of convict-made goods overseas?

That’s enough fun for this week.

I was going to start this idea off with a WoW spam email, but that’s just shooting fish in a barrel at this point.  Maybe I’ll do one of those next time.

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Image of Grimthorn F. Redbeard
Grimthorn F. Redbeard
Get off his lawn!