Top 5 Awesome Old Guys

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You ever see those shirts that say "Old Guys Rule" on them? They're absolutely right. Old guys most definitely rule. I've got a soft spot for men who, instead of growing frail and feeble, just keep getting more experienced, more dangerous, and more awesome as time marches on. Men like that are God's tools for smiting the whippersnappers. And I love them.

In real life they're pretty rare and don't last long, but luckily we've got video games to fall back on. Here's the Top 5 list of stout fellows who laugh in the face of old age and keep on kicking ass well past when nature thought they should. Because like fine bourbon, video game characters only improve with age.

5. Gouken

Street Fighter Series

This is what Master Roshi would look like if somebody stole his shades and swimsuit magazines.

Look at how ripped that guy is. I mean, nobody has realistic proportions in the Street Fighter series, but among a roster of stacked guys with freakishly large hands and feet this guy is a bearded brick shithouse.

I love how the guy just floats whenever he does stuff. All his animations in Street Fighter IV are so graceful and floaty all the time even when he's smacking dudes across the screen. He'll finish doing some impossible tornado kick straight up into the air, then float down really softly like some giant septuagenarian Peter Pan. Love it.

4. Captain Blue

Viewtiful Joe series

Contrary to what he appears, this man is neither senile nor a joke character. He's basically what would happen if Zordon decided to get out of his tube, squeeze into Blue Ranger's suit, and take off in the Megazord to fight evil for a while. Then he decides to teach the first kid he meets to put on tights and fight evil too.

What makes him so hilarious and so awesome is that he is completely dead serious about the whole thing: he carries himself like this great superhero while dressed like Commissioner Ultraman up there. There is no trace of hamminess in him, he straight-up teaches you how to do kung fu in slow motion and stuff. It's righteous.

Also he has one of my favorite farewell catchphrases: "May hero-ness be with you".

3. Big Boss

Metal Gear Series

Yes. Yes he is.

The sad part is I can't fully explain how awesome he is without spoiling the entire series. For those of you who haven't enjoyed the Metal Gear series, here's an idea: this was a guy who, throughout the entire saga, from Metal Gear Solid 1 in 1998 to Metal Gear Solid 4 in 2008, was always mentioned with a measure of fear and respect from everyone who knew him, but was never actually seen. But then, at the very end of 4, after a whole ten years, he finally shows up in person. It's only for about 20 minutes, and in those 20 minutes he makes one hell of an impression.

Without spoilers though, he's the original Legendary Soldier, and he makes Solid Snake look very foolish very quickly. And the eye patch gives him some points too.

2. Orca

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

You can slay monsters the size of mountains. You can conquer impossible dungeons. You can find the most legendary weapons in the world. You can even defeat the King of Evil himself.

But as powerful as you may become, you will never beat Orca.

This shirtless, barefoot old fisherman is one of the last sword masters on the Great Sea, and any duel with him is absolutely epic. It's like the fight between Yoda and Count Dooku times five. If you can survive for five minutes in the ring with this man, nothing else will be a problem for you.

That, and he's super nice and wise and stuff. Great guy all around. Just ignore those dead white eyes of his.

1. Victor Sullivan

Uncharted Series

Victor Goddamn Sullivan. Good Ol' Sully. This man is a wonder of the world.

He's a treasure hunter, pilot, con-artist, thief, womanizer, expert marksman, and world-class adventurer. He's robbed graves and cheated death across the globe. He's survived this long by outsmarting his enemies when he can and punching them in the face when he can't. He's a silver fox with a heart of gold and lungs of charcoal. He is...the most interesting man in the world.

I had made a list of most awesome guys, period, he'd still be number one. He is the most lovable, fascinating, kickass characters in any game, of any age. He is the daring deed and swashbuckling adventure, personified. I LOVE this guy.

Published Jul. 10th 2015

Featured Contributor

Still loves cartoons. And video games. And comics. And occasionally writes lengthy diatribes about them on the internet. Hope to get paid for it someday.

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