Ah, can’t you smell that? Love is in the air, and it’s time for everyone who's anyone to cash in on the ensuing Valentine’s Day-themed money rush. (Look, I can be complicit to the system while still criticizing it.) Anyway, what trouble did choosing our favorite video game gals based off of random, varying, and ill-conceived criteria ever cause anyone?
Changing gears, I’d like to place some caveats on this list: I can’t promise all the women on this list are bachelorettes. And even if they are at the time of writing, this list will not be updated to reflect their future relationship statuses, so be warned. Likewise, I can’t promise that the above non-existent criteria for who I choose will line up with your likely existent, yet ill-advised, and poorly contemplated criteria for who I should have chosen. As such, you might disagree with some of my entries on this list.
That being said, to the best of my knowledge, all of the women are indeed women, even if they only loosely fit the criteria that you might hope would define it, such as having a body. If nothing else, rest assured all of these fine ladies are from video games.
Now, without further ado, let’s get started.
Yeah. I know, I choose one of the most basic options to start out, but I just wanted to make sure to ease you into things, okay?
You frankly can’t have as much porn made involving you as Tracer has and not at least be considered for this list. I know this technically makes half of the Overwatch cast subject to being placed on this list, while the other half are either men or robots. But it’s because of this that I view Tracer as somewhat symbolic and representative of the larger female portion of Overwatch’s cast.
Tracer was one of the first characters shown off. She is generically heroic and preppy, as opposed to characters like Widowmaker. Oh, and she’s on the game’s freaking cover! It’s hard for Blizzard to be any more clear about the fact that she is the game’s primary mascot. You can like whichever character you want, and the love seems to be spread around, but Tracer is their darling. Lastly, she’s also the only LGBTQ character on this list. While I'm no SJW -- not that many people seem to profess that they are -- I had to show some love for the ladies that love the ladies.
So, while I don’t REALLY need to defend why I choose this Overwatch female for my list of sexiest bachelorettes in the gaming universe, I did. Enjoy!
A list like this is always going to be fundamentally flawed. For instance, it is likely to be dominated by characters from games people actually know or care about. Moreover, it will also be dominated by characters the author is familiar with. But perhaps the most glaring flaw is that it will be dominated by characters that the author finds attractive, which is at least partly the purpose of the list and yet also seems to fly in the face of it. I mean, no one wants to just know which 10 video game girls I find the hottest.
And yet, with Lusamine, my weird sense of humor and my attraction to a character combine, resulting in me both adding her to this list and to an hour-long break from writing this article that leads me into dark places of the internet where hentai rules all and Lusamine is a proverbial queen. I mean, she literally is engulfed by a giant tentacle monster in the actual video game, so Nintendo kind of dropped the ball on that one.
Lara Croft was the poster girl for video game girls from her inception in the 90’s until … possibly still now? There really aren’t many franchises based around women in video games. With her short shorts, long braid, and giant, blocky, pyramid-shaped, polygonal breasts, Lara Croft caught the attention of just about every gamer, for better or worse. In a move that drips with the forced shock and edginess of the '90s, Lara Croft’s sex appeal was leveraged into Tomb Raider’s silver screen translation of the same name, Tomb Raider, starring Angelina Jolie.
I saw this movie as a child, but I don’t remember much about it. What I do remember, rather distinctly, is the conversation my mom and aunt had afterward, wherein both proclaimed that Angelina Jolie was so hot that they could see themselves going gay for her. Which was sort of odd.
I had to agree: she was definitely very hot. But what if Angelina Jolie were to become my second mom? Then I’d be like,”Damn second mom, you are, like, really hot!” And that’d be all sorts of weird and would give me extremely conflicting issues into adulthood, along with some mommy problems. I guess I should just be thankful that Angelina Jolie never came beckoning at our door.
So here's to Lara Croft for making me ask weird questions about how I’d feel with a hot, unrelated, celebrity lesbian mom. I probably would've been fine with it ....
Who doesn’t love GLaDOS? Isn’t that solid-enough logic to land her on this list, or am I -- much like GLaDOS -- fundamentally misunderstanding a core part of what drives human beings? I mean, everyone who has played Portal loves her and says she is one of the best parts of the game. Naturally, that means she should be desirable on a list like this. Sure, she’s a little murderous and seems to mostly lack empathy, but if you’re a sub, then that should be right up your alley. And as I am sure I have mentioned at least once or twice so far on this list, I am nothing if not inclusive.
After nearly three decades of having little to no personality, it is nice to finally see Princess Zelda become a fleshed-out character -- well, as fleshed out as video game characters get. I’ve always liked the quiet and shy type, and there’s nothing that says quiet and shy quite like not saying enough over three decades to warrant having a discernible personality.
To make things even better, Zelda also spices things up with some classy, story-convenient amnesia that leaves her acting like a pirate in Wind Waker. Talk about personality! Pirates always have a ton of personality, whether it’s stealing things, pillaging (or in the case of Nintendo, sort of gently harassing people but never really causing any discernible harm), or, well I guess that’s about all pirates do.
Oh, and there was that time where Zelda cross-dressed and turned into Sheik. She's truly an odd girl.
You might argue that Zelda isn’t actually a bachelorette. But let’s not play coy: if a girl leads you on for three decades before finally talking to you, I’d beg to say she’s probably not that into you. Anyway, even if she was into Link, it’d be hard to not notice someone and be at least remotely interested after he’d saved your life and/or kingdom for like the 20th time -- I don’t really think things would turn out that well, considering that the only character in the series who has struggled with exhibiting any sort of personality or emotions more than Zelda has been her savior, Link.
If brains are important to you, then -- in a very literal sense -- you are in the right place. Mother Brain has a ton of brains because she basically is just a giant brain (I know some iterations have the brain on top of a giant monster, but I'm not about that life, fam.). Some might say that beauty isn’t just skin deep, and I could hardly agree more, considering that Mother Brain doesn’t have any skin at all -- just a brain surrounded by a giant glass container. Sure that might be disconcerting for some, but not me. I love brains.
Am I completely missing the point of the skin-deep cliche by only loving her for the physical beauty of her brain and not the actual personality stored within? Why yes. I most assuredly am, but I might also be missing the point of this article.
That’s right, Mother Brain might not be a bachelorette at all. I mean her name is MOTHER, and if there is a mother, there must be a father somewhere. Usually, fathers are husbands, and while the possibility of a breadth of Baby Dad Brains is completely possible, this is Nintendo we are talking about, so I highly doubt it. They’d keep things PG and only allude to consensual sex between Mother Brain and Father Brain, obviously.
Lastly, I’d be remiss if I weren’t to mention her physical appearance. Look, I know she’s a BIG brain, but big girls deserve love too. On top of that, she has a beautiful, glaring eye that you could just get lost in for days. Combine that with her giant, sleek spikes, which make her feel playfully unapproachable, dangerous, and edgy, and you really have someone that is irresistible. She’s the whole package ... except for a body. She doesn’t have one of those, but basically, everything else you could want is there.
Lady Yunalesca has a ton of attractive qualities without overwhelming you with, "I'm a strong female lead who's super badass!" (Although she is badass.) Watching her character arc over the course of the first and second games shows someone who goes from being shy, timid, and reserved to her place in the world to being someone that is willing to carve out her own place in the world and let loose a little bit while still caring for others. That’s not to mention that she’s cute, quirky, awkward, loyal, kind, and other superlatives you’d throw at someone. If she has one character flaw, it’d probably be that she cares too much. (No seriously, she was willing to sacrifice herself and marry the creepiest guy this side of the farplane.) Okay, so in a lot of ways, she is a traditional leading character.
Thankfully, the guy that was her romantic pursuit and who helped shape her along this great arc was actually like a ghost or something the whole damned time. It’s actually kind of confusing. Regardless, he’s not in the picture, and that’s perfect. Because while Yuna is all of those great things above, she has daddy issues since he sacrificed himself to “save” the world when she was a child, and she’s grieving the death (re-death?) of her lover. If there’s ever a better, more opportune time to strike gold, then I haven’t seen it.
I’m not saying it’d be easy, but half of what makes someone attractive is their availability. Too hard to get and it’s unattainable. Too easy and it’s not fun. Yuna’s just right, though, and that’s why she makes this list.
Header obtained from Final Fantasy Mages.
I might have said that Yuna represented the perfect balance between desirable and attainable, and that’s true within the context of the article. That is to say, assuming she’s real and attainable. As such, Cortana represents a somewhat meta-selection for this list. Assuming digital girls are obtainable still leaves Cortana unattainable, because she's a program inside of a program. As such, she would only be a viable mating option if viewed through an in-universe "Top 10 sexiest AIs in the Halo Universe" article.
Cortana is also notable for being a high-profile character that becomes increasingly more voluptuous as her series goes on, while the reason behind her being voluptuous in the first place was never clear. According to a guy who transcribed a GamesRadar interview, franchise chief Frank O'Connor seemingly admits that Cortana was made to be sexy and that any reasoning as to why that might be was only thought about after the fact. Which would be fine if he didn't hide it under some sort of logic where she uses sexuality to manipulate people. All I'm saying is that I couldn't ever imagine a situation where her sexuality would be utilized to leverage me to place her in a position that her mere wit would not; she's only on this list for her wits. Her sexy, blue wits.
Image obtained from Reddit
I know what you are thinking:”But she’s a Pokemon .…” This is factually accurate. But before you hop onto your high Rapidash and start making comparisons to bestiality, I’d like to point out that while many Pokemon are rather beast-like, there are also a lot of animated objects -- aka not beasts. That’s not even to mention all the ghosts, most of which are actual human beings’ souls manifest in different fashions. To further humanize Gardevoir, I would like to point out that she specifically belongs to the human-like egg group, which is sort of a contradiction since we humans don't breed via externally laid eggs, but my point stands! Gardevoir is also a psychic type, many of which have been shown to be capable of communicating with humans telepathically, which is arguably an even more advanced form of communication than vocal expressions of language.
In fact, Game Theory’s old video titled Humans are Pokemon, embedded below, gives plenty of great reasons why it’s not really all that crazy to think that Pokemon are related to us, including ancient lure that suggests human and Pokemon were once interchangeable as well as evidence that evolution plays a role in the Poke-verse. As such, it's not all that hard to believe certain Pokemon, like Gardevoir, are biologically very similar to us humans.
With the realization that Gardevoir is actually of a species that is merely a lateral move away from human beings, I have decided to strike through her name in the header and instead recognize her as Jane Doe until the liberated members of the genus Gardevoir have each independently chosen their own names.
For this reason, seeking out a Gardevoir as a partner is not about "catching" a foine humanoid Pokemon. In fact, it is something that can't even be truly sought until a whole societal structure has been toppled. A societal structure that has willingly placed close genetic relatives of human beings into subjugation next to literal trash monsters.
This may have started out with an edgy joke about hitting things off with a Gardevoir, but this has now become a call to arms. Things must be changed. Join our cause and help save our brothers and sisters in captivity today!
Whether you are playing Skyrim, Mass Effect, or Fire Emblem, you can rest easy knowing that when the control is placed into your hands, you can create your ideal woman, or at least the one who most nearly approximates your ideal woman based off of the customization options available at your fingertips.
Some RPGs leave the story so open-ended that you have complete freedom of interpretation; in other words, you can decide your own character traits. So if there's a quality your dream girl would have that no sane game developer would have the guts to include, then you can take solace in knowing that she has it, even if it is an unspoken truth that only you and she know about.
Phew! That was exhausting. It’s hard to write about so many beautiful women without getting a little worn out. But alas, my mission is complete, and we have brought together the 10 sexiest bachelorettes in gaming. Since I already know I am inevitably wrong, who would you have loved to have seen on this list? And which entries do you think should be taken off? We’d love to hear about what fictional ladies keep you up at night. Note: If fictional ladies are literally keeping you up at night, you might want to contact your physician about that. Our comment section is not a sounding board for medical advice.
Header obtained from Guild Master Gaming