Happy 4th of July, fellow Americans. If you're not American, don't worry about it; just like everybody's Irish on St. Paddy's Day, the 4th of July is the day everyone gets to be American. Be proud. Be tacky. Be shamelessly awesome. For today is the day for freedom.
To celebrate, I give you a top ten list of the most American games ever made. I would normally do five, but nothing is done halfway on Independence Day. Enjoy, everybody. And remember: inside of every calm and sensible person is an American trying to get out.
Killin' redcoats in the woods: America's original pastime.
Connor the Broad Daylight Assassin up there is considered exceptionally good at it. He would be too: getting lost in the plot as often as he does, he gets tons of practice aimlessly slaughtering the British for no reason. What else is he supposed to do when he can't find Charles Lee? Or when there's no Revolutionary War moments he can't take credit for at the moment? Poor guy is stuck in one of the worst Assassin's Creed games ever, and a man's got to occupy himself.
But still: Founding Fathers! Dumping the Tea! Muskets! Paul Revere's incredibly annoying ride! All of this old-school American-ness is enough to almost make me like this game. Almost.
America, as told by Japan.
You play as a fat kid who beats the crap out of things with a baseball bat and blows things up with his brain. You battle kung fu cops, hippies, and obese women with handbags. You heal yourself by eating burgers, fries, pizza, and cookies. I'm getting the feeling we're being mocked.
Still, it's up to a boy from Eagleland to save the world from an alien invasion, because that's one of the many sworn duties of every American. Godspeed and fuzzy pickles.
Cowboys: when regular American's aren't American enough.
Being from Rockstar, this is a more cynical take on the American identity. But to hell with their pretentious, depressing plot: this is a game where you shoot like lightning, drink like a fish, and ride like the wind. It is the best representation of the harsh grandeur of the American West there is, and probably will be for generations.
Boy, jingoism is a lot less funny when the results are this creepy. This is definitely the dark side of what it means to be American.
But still, you can't deny it's bursting at the seams with twisted American weirdness. It's got gatling gun mecha-Washingtons in it! There are flags and eagles everywhere! And it's got...class warfare. And...imperialism. And racism.
Ok, bad example. Moving on.
You see that? That is the face of a man who's about to kill a lot of Nazis.
We Americans have gained a name for ourselves for bombing terrorists, but it's just not the same as the glory days of bombing Nazis. BJ Blaskowitz loves depopulating the Third Reich so much that he transcended time and space to keep the tradition alive. He spent fifteen years sitting comatose in a chair in the corner, and the first thing he does when he wakes up is shank a Nazi in the jugular with a kitchen knife. That's so American it puts a tear in my eye.
In this game, you play as Sergeant Rex Power Colt, Cyber Commando Mark IV. You are every '80s action hero stereotype in the universe. He kills commies and terrorists with lasers and shuriken, and he doesn't do drugs. He's a real American hero, even if he never asked for this.
It's one giant love letter to terrible '80s pulp action movies, and it is all glorious.
Look at that magnificent bastard. THAT is an American hero. Even after a terrible reboot, he's still the king, baby.
He's a grenade-chucking, face-kicking, steroid-taking, piss-making murder machine. He mows down armies of alien pig-men and laughs in the face of restraint and good taste. His games are nothing but gratuitous violence and potty humor, and that is the American way.
If only he could get a good modern game...
Volition was going to create this title, where you play as a President with superpowers saving the world from aliens, as DLC, but they wisely realized that this was a game too precious and patriotic to be limited in such a way.
It is a game where you can truly do as you please: if you want to ride around in custom pimp cars and destroy the aliens with superior firepower, you can do that. If you want to fly around and destroy the invaders with orbital drop kicks and matrix powers, by God you can do that too. Whatever you want. You're free to do it all, because in this game you're not just American: you're Super American Gangster President.
You play as Rambo, Mr. T, Robocop, Walker Texas Ranger, Neo, and a huge roster of other action movie stars to liberate Vietnam from a terrorist army led by Satan.
I will not pollute that perfectly American sentence with further talk. Go check out the game, it's still in Early Access. There is only one game on the planet that can top it...
Truly, this is Japan's revenge for the atom bombs. Why else would they make the most senseless, stupid, cheesy, gloriously American game of all time and never release it stateside? It even had horrible English dialogue and everything! How could you do this to us!?
Sigh...just look at it:
There is nothing more I can say. This is the most American game there ever was, is, and will ever be. I rest my case.
What do you think are the most American games? Let us know in the comments below!