7 Game Villains I Wish I Could Have Been

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by KungFro

I'm just going to be honest and admit that I prefer villains to heroes 4 out of 5 times. I wanted to be one, actually. I would build LEGO castles just to stomp on them. The pain kept me young.

So instead of looking up to the heroes of video games, I imagined myself as one of the bad guys. Without further ado, here are a few villains I wanted to be when I grew up.

Mithos Yggdrasill 

Tales of Symphonia

Mithos survived racial persecution, wrongful exile from his homeland, and the loss of his sister in a war to protect those that shunned him. In light of his past, Mithos did what any war hero would do: seek to rid the world of all discrimination. It was his sister's dying wish, after all.

So Mithos created an army of emotionless pseudo-angels and established a religion in which all people worship his dead sister as a goddess. He then used this religion to manipulate human marriages for several millennia – all to find a new body worthy of housing her soul. Villain or not, he's a better brother than I ever was.

Sephiroth

Final Fantasy VII

Let it be known that I am not really the biggest fan of Sephiroth. I mean, he's got really cool hair, but Masamune is just... I can't see why you'd need a 6 to 8 foot sword. Maybe he's overcompensating for the lack of love in his life. I will say that his nonchalance about all things sinister makes me smile.

The main reason I wanted to be Sephiroth was him killing Aerith. He committed one of video game history's most well-known murders. He single-handedly shattered the hearts of gamers everywhere. Now he's a legend. Who wouldn't be jealous?

Bowser

Mario series

To be Bowser was by far one of my loftiest aspirations, because he's all about chivalry. If he really wanted to, he probably could've sent in a Goomba to assassinate Princess Peach - it's not like she ever sees anything coming. The best part is that home invasion and kidnapping are the least of his skills.

Bowser is great at most sports, knows how to drive pretty well, has his own castle, breathes fire regularly, and has children. He's an all-rounder with swag in spades. And we all know Peach would float over if he wasn't picking her up.

Maleficent 

Kingdom Hearts series

She's lean, she's mean, and she breathes flames of green. Give it up for the meanest side eye in all the land: it's Maleficent!

I can't think of anyone more innately evil than this woman. She's never afraid to call someone out on being a fool – then again, anyone who isn't her fits her definition of the word. That's a lot of foolishness to be sassy about, but she's up to the challenge. Let's not forget that she can turn into a dragon. I've always wanted to do that.

Carmen Sandiego 

Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?

Many people seem to have forgotten about Carmen, beyond her pairing with the equally elusive Waldo. This woman was a thief like none other, even capable of stealing intangible objects, such as the steps to the tango.

However, the truest villainy lies not in her world, but in our world. She got me to study history... and enjoy it. I know not what sorcery she employs in her heists, but it pales in comparison to that which she used on me. Teach me, Sandiego sensei.

GLaDOS 

Portal series

If GLaDOS wasn't so heavy-handed on the neurotoxin, I would be her best friend. I can't help but feel like she's a chubby kid at heart, what with all the talk of cake. When the cake turned out to be a fiery death, I was even more excited. We're both just pyros with a love for cake.

On a personal level, GLaDOS is pretty much my twin sister. We're both better at everything than everyone else – er... narcissistic, passive-aggressive, and socially awkward. When she became potato battery GLaDOS, living vicariously through her was no longer enough. I had to be the potato.

Clyde 

Pac-Man

At first I thought of using all of the ghosts in general, but then I remembered that the orange ghosts, Clyde in Pac-Man and Sue in Ms. Pac-Man, were the most elite of their ranks. Not only were they immortal like the others, but they also knew my every move. For whatever reason, with those two at least, it felt personal.

All of my suspicions were later confirmed when Clyde made his debut in Wreck-it-Ralph. He's smarter than the others. I never stood a chance.

Did you ever want to be a video game villain? Let me know who inspires you in the comments below!

Published Jun. 20th 2015

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Half man. Half fro. Half legend.

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