This Is Not The Armor You’re Looking For…

It is as effective as cardboard.

What is better than poor, scantily designed armor? How about a full suit of protective armor that literally has the same defensive properties as cardboard?

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Everyone has seen the iconic StormTrooper armor from Star Wars, but just how defenseless are you? Well, it turns out that you’d be better off in your pajamas. At least with those on you’d have a chance of one of your enemies showing some mercy.

 

 

“Hold your fire! No one should die wearing their pajamas!”

 

So lets go over the specs:

Helmet:

  • -10 to Accuracy
  • -10 to Endurance
  • 1 Armor

“Captain, I can’t see anything.”

Shoulders:

  • -10 to Accuracy
  • -10 to Endurance
  • 1 Armor

“Oh look, White – my favorite color!”

Chest:

  • -10 to Accuracy
  • +50 to Damage Taken
  • 1 Armor

“Oh boy, I sure hope this chest plate protects me!”

Gloves:

  • +10 to Clumsyness
  • -10 to Accuracy
  • 1 Armor

“Where is the other one?”

Leggings:

  • +10 to Clumsyness
  • -10 to Endurance
  • 1 Armor

“My legs are chaffing!”

Boots:

  • -10 to Speed
  • -10 to Endurance
  • 1 Armor

“So stylish!”

Now these are not the actual stats for the armor. But they might as well be, seeing as StormTroopers are cannon fodder in nearly every Star Wars movie and game. If it’s real specs you want, then fine. Let me pick out a random set of armor from Star Wars: The Old Republic.

“Arkanian Combat Tech’s Gear”

So why is it a bad idea to wear this armor in a fight?

1.) “I can’t see a thing in this helmet.” – Luke Skywalker

 

2.) “It’s like a magnet for arrows!”

Even Family Guy agrees.

3.) “…By 130 ABY, stormtrooper armor had reportedly been further strengthened to absorb and diffuse direct blaster hits. However, during the Battle of Borosk between the 407th and 908th stormtrooper divisions, it was observed that direct blaster hits seemed to render troopers incapacitated, although it is possible that the effect of the blast was dissipated and the trooper survived.”  – From the Star Wars Wiki 

For reference, Star Wars Episode III took place in 0 ABY (After The Battle of Yavin) So after one hundred and thirty years of “refinement” the Stormtrooper armor was still useless.

It looks like plastic, because it is!

Has any man or woman ever survived a battle wearing this “Waffer Thin” armor? Well yes, two men have: Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. They were just lucky, and it is a well known fact that Stormtroopers cannot hit a stationary nor or a moving target. Arrows? Blasters? Explosives? Rocks? Trees? The Stormtrooper armor gives way to all of these.

When it comes down to it, the standard issued Stormtrooper Armor is by far the most useless armor to have ever existed. Yes, there are a lot more scantily designed sets of armor out there. But what is worse than wearing a full suit of armor expecting it to protect you, but all it does it make you look like a porcelin doll? A small, fragile porcelin doll. Hell, the Leg Lamp from “A Christmas Story” could provide you with more protection.

 

“Frag-E-Lay. It’s French!”

Seriously, you would have a better chance of surviving a fight if you just hid in the wooden crate. At least you wouldn’t be sticking out like a sore thumb on a desert wasteland.

What are the benefits of wearing it?

Well, for starters you get to be one of the first to die. But seriously, there actually are some benefits to wearing a Stormtrooper Armor set.

  1.  Power Gloves. Yep, every armor set had “empowering” gloves during hand to hand combat. For that extra little “edge” if you ever got that far.
  2.  Environmental Controls. In a 110 degree desert? No sweat! Literally. The stomach plate had a manual suit seal and suit environment controls. 
  3.  A Personal Ray-Shield Projector. Believe it or not, every set of Stormtrooper armor came with its own Shield Projector. In case cover was nonexistant or limited. Although the shields were weak, they could still withstand constant blaster fire for a short time, and even protected you from a lightsabre swing or two.

So there you have it, the most iconic armor in the galaxy just happens to be the most useless.


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Death Metal Hero
I like metal and video games :D