Dear White Beard,
I would have hand written you a letter, but I don’t have a camera(the struggle is real). I hope typing this letter will suffice.
I know it’s been quite some time since we last spoke and I do apologize for that. I was at the tender young age of 4 1/2 when I was taken to the mall and placed upon your lap. You scared me, what do you want me to say? I’ve finally mustered up enough courage to confront you. I know it’s not your fault, I mostly blame my grandma, but going to the mall only to witness countless toddlers sit on your lap and cry was very traumatic. I digress, let’s not live in the past, it’ll only open a can of worms.
*ahem* I’m coming to you today, for the same reason as most do, to ask for undeserving presents. I should probably go on and on about how awesome I am to make me seem oh so deserving, but I don’t want to be like everyone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from a bad person. Although I do make too many Lindsay Lohan jokes and I may have wished for someone to step on a lego. But setting those things aside, I’ve lived a pretty angelic life and I never ask for anything. I may have a little social anxiety problem and while most people go out and have fun, I like to stay inside and play video games or read. While I hope to overcome this issue one day, that day isn’t today. Santa, my computer is on life support and without it, I will die from boredom. And before you ask, yes I did raise my hands in the air and attempt to gather energy from the other computers of the earth to try to raise my computer’s power level. Hell, I even tried Mr. Miyagi’s healing palm technique. I’m afraid my income is too low to upgrade/buy a new one.
Why would you give me anything? I was that sailor mouthed toddler that left you bagels with cream cheese instead of cookies. I was on that next level catering. You know darn well that it was a nice change. I need you, Santa. I need you like North West needs a better name.(seriously, with that name, she’s bound to be a porn star). If you do me this one thing, I’ll never wish lego to foot action upon my enemies ever again. Also, my birthday was yesterday..I’m not trying to bribe you, but I have some New York cheesecake in the fridge if you wanna fly on over and have a slice.
The toddler that gave you an erection at the Fayetteville mall and had mall cops escort you out,
Justin.
